


Meant to be

by Outlander506



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2020-06-27 14:07:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 39,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19792468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Outlander506/pseuds/Outlander506
Summary: Modern AU - Jamie is a patient of Claire’s. After a horrible accident he’s left in a coma and Claire finds herself obsessed with the handsome stranger and falling in love with him through his family’s stories.





	1. CHAPTER 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I fell in love with Jamie and Claire's love story and inspired by so many of the stories that you post here decided to give it a shot with one of my own. There's a little angst at the beginning, though not much, it's basically a love letter for these two characters. It's the first time I share anything that I've written and my first fanfic ever; also don't have anyone to proof read so please keep that in mind when reading. I still have many ideas to continue this story, so let me know if you want to read more. If you like it then I'll try to update weekly :) Hope you enjoy!

CHAPTER 1

I felt his arms wrap around my waist and sighed in contentment, breathing him in and leaning my head back for a kiss, pushing back on him while I wrapped my hand in his auburn curls. The kiss was tender and sweet, mouths slightly open, tongues gently probing. He caressed my arms and started moving towards my stomach reaching for the hem of my shirt and catching my bottom lip between his teeth. I felt a surge of electricity as his hands cupped my breasts over my bra and turned around desperately seeking more of everything, of his mouth, his scent, his hands, his closeness. His tongue entered my mouth with the same desperation and I could feel his arousal against my thigh resulting in tightness in my belly and a sudden wetness between my legs. I moved to unzip his jeans while he took off my shirt, tossing it to the side along with his. We were falling onto the bed, a tangle of limbs, touching and grabbing…  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up trembling, craving the release that never came after these dreams. They always ended abruptly, leaving me exhausted, wanting, and feeling quite guilty. He had been assaulting my dreams for months, it was my subconscious, and there was nothing I could do about it. Still, as I turned my head finding on the pillow beside mine not the mop of ginger curls and high cheekbones I dreamed of, but the more serious, elegant features of my boyfriend I couldn’t help feeling despaired. 

I was in love with Frank. I should be happy that he had finally come to Edinburgh after nearly six months being separated. We had both been living in London, and then coincidentally he got offered a teaching position for a semester in Harvard and I had gotten into the surgical program at the Royal Infirmary of Edinburgh. Having been together long enough to be confident in our relationship we both packed our bags; he went off to Boston, and I came to Edinburgh where he would join me when the semester was done. I had missed him, hadn’t I? 

He had been home for two months. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about this stupidly handsome stranger?! What was wrong with me?! I already had someone to go home to.... we didn’t actually live together, but it was serious. A four-year relationship is serious.

“Get a grip Beauchamp!” I whispered to myself, annoyed as I got quietly out of bed to get ready for work. 

I had to stop this, because the Viking warrior had started to seep into my conscious thoughts as well; I would find myself daydreaming of broad shoulders and strong arms, penetrating blue eyes and a very sexy Scottish burr. 

I’d first seen him around town one morning some months ago when I went out for my morning run; finally having settled into my new apartment and getting a more regular schedule at the hospital. The tall, handsome redhead was hard to miss, his sunny demeanor contagious even from afar. I went out every day at the same time and there he was, usually walking his dog or sitting down with a coffee at the corner café, reading a book and making pleasant small talk with the flirty waitress. I was immediately drawn to him and although we’d never talked, I just knew he was trouble; I’d seen how the women gathered around him and followed him like lost puppies, shamelessly flirting. He humored them sometimes, other times I noticed a fleeting sadness in his eyes, one I could relate to lately. I watched from afar, a guilty pleasure. 

“Ugh, stop it Claire!” I left Frank a note apologizing for not waking him up to say goodbye and telling him we’d talk later. After those vivid dreams about another man, I really couldn’t look Frank in the eye. 

No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get this man out of my head and as I walked to the hospital I sadly realized I was going to miss him today; I had an early surgery scheduled on a young girl which meant I had to skip my morning run. I didn’t understand why this man had such an effect on me, I didn’t know him at all and still the fact that I wouldn’t see him soured my mood for the rest of the day. This bloody scot was driving me mad!

I was so distracted I barely even noticed Joe greeting me when I came in, until I nearly ran him over.

“Hey lady Jane, how you doing? Claire?”

I raised my head, looking blankly at him, reaching over for my patient’s file. “Oh hi Joe, sorry, didn’t see you there. You joining me for surgery this morning?”

“Sure am, rough night?” he asked, giving me a worried look.

If only he knew, these dreams were severely inhibiting my ability to get a good night’s sleep. I let out a small sigh, relaxing with the presence of my friend “I look that bad do I? Haven’t been sleeping well lately is all. But don’t worry, I’m ready to go.” 

Joe returned a kind smile, patting my back. “Never a doubt in my mind. Let’s go”.

On the way we met up with Geillis, my only other friend in Edinburgh and the best scrub nurse in the hospital. “You scrubbing in with us too? I thought you were off today?”

“Aye” she said, quickly putting her red locks in a bun, her green eyes mischievously anticipating her coming remark, “but Mary asked me to switch. She owes me big-time because I had to cancel a date but I figured she needs the sex more than I do” she winked wickedly. 

“Well thank God!” I laughed, and put my arms around both their shoulders walking together to the operating theatre.

After seven grueling hours on my feet, the surgery had been a success and I was more than ready to go home. I thought about calling Frank, finally release all this pent up energy from not going on my morning run, and if I was honest mostly from my unfinished steamy dreams... but thinking about it, a nice warm bath, a book and early bed actually sounded better. I didn’t feel like seeing Frank. 

I changed quickly, looking forward to being home, comfort food and a proper night’s sleep; I would stop thinking about the tall stranger if it was the last thing that I did. As I was walking to the doors I heard the sirens blaring and a trauma team ran into the hospital.

“Car accident, got hit from the back by a truck and flew through the windshield, apparently not wearing a seatbelt. Vitals are stable, bp 90 over 60. Unconscious, cracked his head; back and hand in pretty bad shape. The other guy died at the scene.” 

My first instinct was to stay and help, it sounded like the patient’s condition was life or death. But I was exhausted, after countless sleepless nights and my last surgery I really needed a break. Besides, I was sure the doctors on this shift could handle it, Joe was pulling a double, whoever it was would be in good hands. 

As they rushed by me I noticed in a stupor… on the gurney, a head of red curls and a set of broad shoulders.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! First of all wanted to say thank you! Your response has been very unexpected and absolutely encouraging. Thank you for all you kind comments, makes it worth it to have decided to share the story. It makes me really happy to hear that you liked the first chapter :) So without further ado and as promised, here's chapter 2. Happy reading!
> 
> P.S: I know the first couple of chapters are a little on the short side, not to worry, they get longer as the story progresses.

CHAPTER 2

He was lying on his stomach, his back a mess of blood and flesh, his hand maimed, at least three fingers broken. 

For the smallest instant my breath caught in my throat. My mind couldn’t reconcile the strong, handsome, lively man in my dreams with the broken figure on that gurney. Flashbacks of my parent’s accident flooded my head; a part of me lost forever, turning my life upside down. The helplessness in knowing even at that age that I couldn’t have done anything to save them, to keep them with me. 

But I wasn’t that child anymore and I would try my damned hardest to keep this man from dying. Running after the paramedics I scrubbed in for surgery, all thoughts of sleep forgotten. I had never been more determined to save a life. His skin felt warm in my hands despite his condition and all I could think of was how I needed him to be strong and pull through.

We operated on him, the possible damage on his brain due to the head injury being our main concern. We tried to relieve the pressure on his brain and patched up his back as best we could, putting him back together piece by piece. I focused on his hand, slowly and carefully tending to each finger, ignoring the heaviness in my bones; all the time my heart beating out of my chest begging him not to die, not to end whatever this was when it hadn’t even started. 

After the surgery Joe offered to go talk to the family; although he couldn’t fathom why, he could tell that this was taking a toll on me. But I felt the need to talk to them myself and as lead surgeon it was my responsibility. It was an unpredictable part of the job, it could be a rewarding moment cementing your vocation or it could be devastating and make you question why you had chosen such a cruel profession. Regardless, I never took it lightly; doctors quite often forgot - separating themselves as a self-defense mechanism – the humanity of their patients, that the person on the operating table was someone’s brother, daughter, grandma, friend. I had never been able to do that, perhaps because I had no one, and this one struck particularly close to home.

Looking into the waiting area his family wasn’t hard to spot and it was overwhelming to see so many people waiting for news on his surgery. As I walked over to them I suddenly realized that I didn’t know his name. I glanced down to check the file and saw it was James; James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser. Involuntarily my mouth turned into a smirk – of course he had five names, it suited him, bloody scot! Finally putting a name to the face made him more tangible, although with the last few hours as proof I had no doubt that he was flesh and bone. Looking up I shook my head to clear my mind.

“Are you the family of James Fraser?”

They all stood up and started asking questions at the same time. The small pretty blonde in the corner was so grief-stricken, ugly crying in the arms of an elderly plump woman I thought she must be his girlfriend and I was suddenly struck with grief and jealousy myself. “None of your business Claire!” I internally reprimanded. 

Getting back to the task at hand I tried to make them settle down but they were just too frantic, so I stood there quietly until a tall woman with auburn hair fashioned in a long thick plait stepped forward. She emanated warmth and even though she looked worried, I could sense in her an enjoyment of life and a tenderness that drew me to her. 

“Call him Jamie” she said softly, placing a hand on my arm, “he doesna really like James, it’s how we call him when he’s done something bad” she laughed reminiscing, “he says it makes him feel like a wee bairn, ken? I’m Ellen, his mam and this is Brian his da”, she pointed to the tall dark haired man who would have been frightening in his imposing size except for his very kind eyes. Brian nodded at me in acknowledgment while Ellen turned to the others with a harsher tone: “Shhhh, close yer mouths for God’s sake, let the doctor speak!”

There were a few hushed “sorry” and they all fell silent at once staring at me expectantly. I managed a small smile, “I’m doctor Beauchamp. As you know James, Jamie” I corrected, “had a car accident, we’ve patched him up as best we could, and now it’s up to him. We had to induce a coma due to the swelling in his brain, and we can’t really tell how long it will be until he wakes up. His vitals are stable, but this first night is crucial, we won’t know if there’s any permanent damage until he wakes up.”

“Must have been quite a hit to break that stubborn heid of his!” blurted the tall redhead that very much-resembled Jamie, except that his eyes were gray, and his features less pronounced. He was also slimmer, more like an elegant dancer than a Viking warrior. 

A feisty black haired beauty with Jamie’s same blue eyes who was cradling a sleeping babe elbowed him in the ribs. “Oh shut up! Does it really seem like a moment to make stupid jokes William?” Turning to me she apologized, “I’m sorry for my brother doctor, we’re all just so worried about Jamie, it’s hard to grasp what happened to him.”

William looked embarrassed and a somber mood fell on the room, even the blonde stopped crying. 

“Don’t worry, I understand it is a difficult time, but you have to trust that everything will be alright. I cannot make any promises, but I assure you that we did all we could, and him making it through the surgery is a very good sign.”

“Aye” muttered the grumpy bearded man taking the babe from the woman`s arms so she could hug Ellen. “He’ll make it, he’s a strong, young lad, still too much to live for. Dinna fash Jenny, he’ll be back to his old self in no time, ye’ll see.”

“Hope yer right Murtagh” said Brian lightly tapping his shoulder. “Can we see him?” he asked turning to me. 

“He’s in intensive care so unfortunately there are no visits allowed. Please go home and try to rest, I will call you if there are any changes”. I was surprised by my decision to stay with him, but seeing the concern in his family’s eyes and their disappointment at not being allowed to stay with him, I felt like there was nothing else I could do. 

“Oh no, we couldna ask you to stay with him”, replied Ellen, her tone more thankful than dissuading. 

“Looks like ye need more rest than all of us together lass.” William quipped, garnering another stern look from his sister. 

“I have to stay for the night shift anyway” I lied. “Really, it’s no problem. I promise I’ll let you know if there is any news. No sense in you spending the night here if you can’t be with him.” Convincing them was no easy feat, they were a stubborn lot, but eventually they relented. 

With tears of relief falling down her face, Ellen pulled me into a hug, “Thank ye Dr. Beauchamp, truly”. 

“Please, call me Claire” was all I could manage, surprised at her gesture but more so at my reaction. Ellen hugged me with such emotion that I found myself hugging her back, and as I watched the Frasers leave the hospital I couldn’t help wanting to feel a part of them. 

I stopped by my office for a cup of tea and made my way to Jamie’s room. He looked so peaceful, still lying on his stomach, his face to the side, a lock of auburn falling over his forehead, his breathing steady. I lightly brushed the hair from his face, the stress of the day dissipating as I settled myself into the chair by his bedside and prepared to watch over his dreams.  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. Just wanted to say THANK YOU again. When I decided to share I thought maybe a few people would read, but I never expected this response. I've never shared anything I've written with anyone and having people engaged and enjoying one of my stories is truly overwhelming. Please keep letting me know your thoughts! I've read all your messages even if I haven't been able te reply yet, and I will keep on reading them as long as you care to write them :) This one is a bit longer so... happy reading! I'll be back again next week.

CHAPTER 3

I woke up the next morning quite disoriented, having dreamt of him again. As I took note of my surroundings, I opened my eyes to find myself face to face with Jamie, holding his hand. I stared at him, committing his features to memory. I noticed a slight slant to his eyes, which gave them a cat-like quality and full eyebrows, the same tone as his hair mixing all the colors of gold and red. He was even more beautiful up close, a clear ancestry of Vikings past in his high cheekbones and defined jawline. I couldn’t resist the urge to touch him and as I carefully traced my fingers across his forehead, over his brow and down to his jaw I was rewarded with a beautiful fleeting smile. 

As his smile faded the events of the night came crashing down on me and I was elated that he had made it through the night! I called for a nurse to keep watch over him while I went to the locker room for a change of clothes, - thank God I kept a couple sets of clean clothes at the hospital in case of emergency - grab something to eat (I couldn’t remember my last meal) and contact his family. 

When I arrived at the cafeteria the whole Fraser clan was already there, the baby playing to his crowd, eliciting genuine laughs. I stood at a distance for a while, enjoying the antics and not wanting to interrupt this family scene, but when they noticed me all their eyes turned to me, begging for good news. 

Ellen stood up from her chair to embrace me “Good mornin darlin, hope ye were able to sleep some. We are truly sae grateful for what ye did last night. Please sit down with us”. Everyone nodded at the invitation gesturing for me to grab a chair. Sitting down again, holding my hand in both of hers she asked, “How is Jamie?”

“He made it through the night” I replied, unable to hide my pleasure at the news. “He still has a way to go but this is wonderful news, he’s stable and the possibilities of him waking up and making a full recovery after last night are quite good. We still have to keep an eye on him and he’ll have to stay in the intensive care unit for a few more days at least, but it’s looking good. Seems you were right Murtagh,” I said, looking over to him “Jamie appears to be very strong”.

“Too right” he mumbled somberly.

“Please let us buy ye breakfast, it’s the least we can do after all ye’ve done for our Jamie,” proposed Brian. I gladly accepted the invitation and without much prompting they started regaling me with stories about the family and Jamie. 

I was supposed to have the next few days off but I switched them with Joe so I could spend my nights watching over Jamie, bent over in that uncomfortable chair, his hand in mine; and before I knew it, a week had gone by. I would spend the night with Jamie, telling him stories about my childhood, about being orphaned at the age of five and my adventures around the world with Uncle Lamb, his passing, my unconventional upbringing spending years at archeological gigs moving from place to place (never really belonging anywhere), my decision to study medicine, and how I ended up in Edinburgh. Knowing he probably couldn’t hear me, but feeling it was only fair that he should know about me too I poured my heart out to him. And in the morning I’d have breakfast with the Frasers and become enraptured in their tales; Scots really are amazing story tellers.

I laughed at the story about Ellen and Brian running away from their families in the middle of a party to live their love without objection, escaping from an arranged marriage. I learned that Murtagh was Jamie’s godfather and Brian’s older cousin, a steadfast presence in the Fraser family for as long as anyone could remember. Jenny was married to Ian, Jamie’s best friend who was trying to make his way back to Edinburgh from a business trip but had been caught in the airport due to bad weather; and the babe was their son Jamie, named after his uncle. William was the eldest and a consummate bachelor; I definitely hoped that didn’t run in the family. 

I had a hard time holding back tears when learning about their younger brother who died in childbirth, almost taking Ellen with him. They told me about Lallybroch - their family home - how it became a winter wonderland during Christmas time all covered in snow and lights; the images so vivid in my mind I could envision every nook and cranny. About the distillery they owned, the horses that Jamie loved so much and all the mischief they got to when they were little and then not so little too.

The stories I cherished most were the ones that gave me a glimpse into Jamie, the boy he had been and the man he was now, his character, his life. I doubled up laughing when I heard about all the pranks Ian and himself pulled on Jenny only to fall victims to her swift revenge, and all his misadventures being a handsome but clumsy and shy adolescent. He’d outgrown that phase, no question about that, I thought. 

It turned out Jamie was hard working and ambitious, as well as loving and kind. He was dedicated to his family, visiting as often as he could and though he loved Lallybroch and was fully capable of running the family businesses (horses and whisky), he had decided to pursue his second passion, books. He’d moved to Edinburgh and founded a very successful publishing house. “He’s kind of a celebrity in the publishing world if I do say so myself” Brian beamed proudly. A couple of years after the publishing house was established he had created a charity to raise funds for cancer research in honor of a childhood friend who had died of leukemia, raising over 2 million pounds in less than two years. They had actually had to postpone an upcoming charity event due to his accident. 

No matter how much they told me about him I craved to learn more, there were so many levels to this man and I hoped I would be able to discover them on my own. 

I was still curious about the blonde girl, I had learned that her name was Laoghaire, a distant cousin on the Mackenzie side and she worked as Jamie’s secretary. But she came to the hospital every day – shouldn’t she be manning the office? - and listened to the stories about him with such a wistful look on her face that I was sure there was something more. 

“She’s always been in love with Jamie, since they were wee bairns, always running after him trying to get his attention” Mrs. Fitz - the plump elderly lady who turned out to be nanny to the Frasers, and Laoghaire’s grandma - whispered conspiratorially. I looked at her confused and at her comment realized that I had been observing Laoghaire, the puzzled look on my glass face clearly betraying my thoughts. Undeterred by my reaction she continued, “But Jamie’s never encouraged her, he sees her as a little sister, and he’s told her so, many times too. But ye ken how these things go, no choosing who ye love, right?” She winked at me; wise and canny she had already guessed what I had yet to admit to myself. 

I had been infatuated with Jamie for months for sure, I found him so attractive it was distracting and I felt an incomprehensible pull towards him. In the past days, with their stories, seeing Jamie through his family’s eyes I had slowly but surely and irrevocably started to fall for him. What I felt for him was strong, unlike anything I had felt before. I felt I knew him from another life, as if we were tethered by this invisible bond and I hadn’t known I was looking for him until I found him. It was confusing and somewhat annoying, but mostly it scared me. How could I feel something so intense for someone I barely knew? I couldn’t accept it because it was absurd, we hadn’t crossed even two words; in a way he was a character created in my mind and I couldn’t love him if he wasn’t real. And there was also Frank, I shouldn’t forget about Frank. But even though I refused to acknowledge my feelings, Mrs. Fitz knew it and I couldn’t fool her. I turned towards Jenny trying to change the subject and ignore her knowing looks. 

“So Jenny, you never did tell me how you ended up marrying Jamie’s best friend”. At that she took hold of her husband’s hand and looked adoringly into his eyes before she started telling me a story of a childhood crush that blossomed into adult romance. “Finally I cornered him in the stables and said, now listen here Ian Murray, I do not intend on waiting forever for ye to muster the courage, so I’m taking matters into my own hands. And that was our first kiss.” she said laughing at the memory.

Ian had arrived a couple of days before, never leaving his wife’s side. Where Jenny was strong and opinionated, Ian seemed level and soft-spoken. He was easy to talk to, a kindred old soul, and I thought it spoke really well of Jamie that this was his best friend. 

I had successfully dodged that bullet, but I still wanted to know about his love life and luckily for me, I didn’t have to pry much to get more information on Jamie’s relationship status; apparently privacy was not high on the list of priorities for the Frasers and they were willing to share everything and anything with me. One day teasing William about being the ultimate bachelor I asked about Jamie with what I hoped would pass as simple curiosity. 

“Far as I know he’s never been in love,” Brian answered, and I thought he sounded somewhat sad. “We thought his last relationship was serious, he was with the lass for a few months and it seemed to be going alright. He never brought her to Lallybroch though; we only met her at one of the charity events. She was British like ye actually, and Jamie seemed to like her well enough”.

“That is until a few months back when he broke things off wi her. I asked him about it, he said she just wasn’t the one and never mentioned her again” Jenny chimed in.

“Aye! But hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” laughed William. “That lass was insistent, a bit obsessed with Sawny if ye ask me” I was thrown by the unusual nickname, but too interested in the current subject to interrupt so I put it in my bag of questions for later. “She wanted him back badly, called him at all hours, showed up at his house and work, even called Jenny and me a couple of times”. Jenny groaned and rolled her eyes, apparently not too fond of the woman herself. “But Jamie turned her away” William continued, “again and again and again until she finally stopped calling. I thought he was going to have to get a restraining order, she was so set on getting back together”.

Ellen who had been very quiet during the conversation remarked that he had been distracted after the breakup, and at first she thought nothing of it. “I thought it was normal because of the break up, but he wasna all that sad, I think he was relieved to have that woman off his back. It was more a faraway look, like his body was here, but his mind was somewhere else and now and then he got this silly smile on his face… and then I kent where I’d seen that look afore because it’s the look Brian gets when he’s thinking of me” she said smiling and blushing at the same time. “I was happy because I thought, finally, our Jamie has fallen in love. But then he didn’t talk about anyone new and about a couple months ago he became a little moody and retreated”.

I was lost in thought, trying to decipher the Jamie love life mystery when the ever observant Mrs. Fitz asked “What about ye Claire, dear? Any significant others?” 

“Hmm” I bit my lip nervously, not really wanting to talk about Frank. “Well yes” I finally answered, “I have a boyfriend, he’s a history professor in the University, he just came back recently from a semester at Harvard”. 

“Oh that’s nice dear, ye deserve a proper gentleman”. Her words were kind but her eyes were disappointed, and when I looked over at Ellen there was a sadness in her demeanor that made me feel uncomfortable. I stood up abruptly and excused myself claiming I had patients to check and files to update.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So today I just want to give a very special thanks to SorchaSassenach for voluteering to be my beta reader and helping out with this chapter!! Happy reading everyone!

I fell into a routine for the next couple of weeks; only going home to change and shower, checking in on Jamie every chance I got, spending most nights by his side and getting Geillis and Joe to clear my schedule as much as possible. I was exhausted but hopeful, because even though he hadn’t woken up yet, his labs looked good, his back and hand were healing nicely and he would be out of intensive care soon.

One night I opened the door to my flat, desperate for a shower, to find Frank waiting for me in the living room. He was not happy and with good reason; I had completely neglected him for the past few weeks and now I had forgotten all about our date. 

“You’re late Claire, but if you shower quickly we can still make the reservation,” he said, standing up and giving me a peck on the cheek, trying to remain civil. 

“I’m so sorry Frank, but I can’t make it tonight, you know I have this patient in intensive care. I only came home to shower and grab a quick bite but I have to be back at the hospital.”

“What is it with this patient? I know you’re dedicated Claire, but this is too much! I haven’t talked to you in almost three days!” His voice was straining and he was starting to shout. “God, have you even missed me?”

I hadn’t, if I was being honest. I hadn’t even thought of him lately, so concerned and focused on Jamie’s wellbeing I had little time to think of anything else. But I was too tired to argue and I was definitely not in the mood for that conversation. Besides, his reaction was making me a bit angry and that made me feel guilty. Too many emotions to deal with right now, and I wasn’t up to the challenge. “You’re right darling, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you I promise,” I said, running up the stairs to hide in the bathroom before he could say another word. 

That night, after checking up on Jamie one last time I left him in the nurse’s care and went home to Frank. He was happy when he felt me coming into the bed but I couldn’t even bring myself to kiss him, and when he tried to cup my breast under the covers I pulled away claiming I was too tired and had a headache. He grumbled something I didn’t understand, turned his back to me and went to sleep. By the time I woke up the next morning, he was already gone and all I could feel was relief at his absence. 

I had become quite good at avoiding the subject and didn’t ponder too long on my situation with Frank. I was late for my morning shift, rushing in to see Jamie before starting my rounds when I bumped into Joe.

“Lady Jane, always in a hurry lately,” he admonished half joking. “Hold your horses there, your man’s being moved out of intensive care.”

Trying to keep my emotions in check I replied sternly, “He’s not my man Joe, you know that,” but I couldn’t hide the smile of utter relief at the news, it meant he was closer to waking up. 

Glancing at me sideways and smirking Joe shook his head slightly, “Whatever you say Lady Jane, whatever you say.”

Now that they were allowed to see him the Frasers stayed with Jamie day and night, and there was no need for me to sleep by his side anymore. I still checked in on him every chance I got, but I missed the feel of his hair, that beautiful smile when I stroked his cheek and the weight of his hand in mine. I found it hard to sleep without him by my side. I wouldn’t let Frank touch me, always making up all kinds of excuses and he started staying over less and less. 

About a month had gone by and I had slowly started to go back to my usual routine and shifts now that Jamie was under his family’s watchful eye. I was in a hurry, because it was date night, and after several arguments with Frank I had promised to be there, present and on time. Regardless of my feelings for Jamie (which I was still denying, arguing that if Ellen was right he already had someone and would probably go back to her as soon as he woke up without even noticing me), I hadn’t been fair with Frank, he really was a good boyfriend, and I owed it to him, to us, to try to make this work. 

Geillis was ushering me out the door, “For the life of me Claire I can’t understand why you stay with old, boring Frank. I honestly don’t get it, and anyone with eyes can see that ye don’t love him… but ye made me promise not to let ye be late, so off ye go.”

I laughed; you could always count on Geillis to be blunt at least, “Why thank you Dr.Phil for the couple’s therapy.” She rolled her eyes, I hugged her and turned around deciding that I still had a couple of minutes to pop by Jamie’s room before running out the door. 

Turning the corner I saw the whole clan crowding the hallway; I braced myself to remind them that he wasn’t allowed more than two visitors at a time - they were supposed to be taking turns - when I heard the most amazing laugh. It broke my heart at the same time it filled me with absolute joy and as I entered the room I was met by a pair of deep blue eyes staring straight at me. His gaze was so intense I felt my face flush and for a moment couldn’t remember my own name.

Remembering I was supposed to be a professional surgeon and noticing that people were starting to stare I moved forward to grab his file, pulling away from his gaze. Regaining my composure I cleared my throat, “Glad to see you decided to come back Mr. Fraser, maybe wear a seatbelt next time?” I scolded somewhat annoyed. Now that he was ok, I felt a sudden urge to tell him off. 

He laughed at my remark, “Well good evening to ye Dr, though I dinna even know yer name and yer already yelling at me. I don’t think that’s proper bedside manners.” Again I felt heat creeping up my neck at his reply, which elicited a chuckle from William and Murtagh. I didn’t dare look at him for fear of losing myself in his eyes again but a small smile escaped my lips; still looking at his file I said, “You can call me Dr. Beauchamp.”

Avoiding him I turned to the nurse, “Why wasn’t I informed that the patient had woken up?” It came our more harshly than I intended, and the nurse, who had been shamelessly staring at Jamie startled as my question brought her back from daydreaming. She stared at me blankly and Ellen swooped in to save her, “We wanted to surprise ye, Claire. Maybe it wasna a good idea after all, we’re sorry.” 

She was so abashed I felt ashamed for souring their happiness and I grabbed her hands giving them a light squeeze, “No, it’s a great surprise Ellen. I’m happy to see that the prodigal son has finally returned. I have to examine him now and we’ll need to run a series of tests, but judging from your joking mood Mr.Fraser,” I said, finally turning to look at him again, “it seems like everything is alright.”

Out of the corner of my eye I caught Brian and Ellen sharing a conspiring look before ushering everyone out of the room, “Ye heard the doctor everybody out!”

“Oh its alright, no need for all of you to leave,” I stammered, suddenly panicked to be left alone with Jamie. 

“No, no, best to give ye space,” Brian said, pushing everyone out of the room. Laoghaire gave me the death stare while Mrs. Fitz grabbed my hand and gave me a cheeky smile on her way out. 

Jamie was staring intently at me, like I was some kind of vision that would fade into thin air if he dared take his eyes off me for one second. Not ready to touch him yet - afraid of what I would feel - I started with some routine questions. My voice finally taking him out of his reverie, I was glad to confirm that the brain injury had left no permanent damage. He was aware of his surroundings, clearly there was no speech impediment, and there didn’t seem to be any memory loss. Finally there was no more delaying the inevitable. 

“Keep it together Beauchamp,” I breathed, moving closer to examine him, his eyes following me. The heat emanating from his body already overwhelming, he gently grabbed my hand when I reached his side, his touch burning my skin, “Thank ye, truly, for all ye did. My mam told me ye stayed by my side when they weren’t allowed to see me.” I never wanted him to let go. 

“It was nothing, don’t even mention it. It’s my job,” I stammered, still evading his gaze, trying to straighten up and reaching for my stethoscope. I knew he could tell I was lying, but I wasn’t about to admit that I hadn’t been able to stay away from him.

“Well I’m grateful to ye, anyway.” Something about his tone warmed me to the core; it was familiar, like we’d known each other forever, instead of being perfect strangers. “I know it gave great comfort to my family knowing that ye were watching over me.” As I bent down to check his heartbeat, he pulled me closer, carefully raising his hand under my chin and turning my face to look at him “It’s good to finally meet ye, Sassenach.” Sassenach? His look was yearning and I was flustered at his comment, what was that supposed to mean? Feeling like I could drown in his eyes I decided to ignore the comment and forced myself to pull away from his touch.

“Please behave Mr. Fraser, I really need to examine you if you wish to go home anytime soon.”

He smiled sheepishly noticing my discomfort and obediently set his hands by his sides, “Aye sorry, I promise to be the best patient ye’ve ever had. But only if ye call me Jamie though, my father is Mr. Fraser,”

“Alright,” I chuckled, “please keep still Jamie. Now breathe deep,” I said placing the stethoscope over his chest, “and let go slowly”. I continued to examine him carefully, letting my hands linger on him a little longer than necessary. He wasn’t complaining, in fact his rapid heartbeat told me he was enjoying the procedure a little too much. My heart was racing as well, but mixed with the excitement of finally actually meeting my handsome stranger and the fact that his skin felt like embers under my palms, I also felt a sort of calm wash over me when we were touching; the same calm I felt all those nights I slept holding his hand when he was still unconscious. 

I grabbed his left hand, examining the scarring, quite proud of my work. Pulling and moving his fingers to test for mobility I asked, “How does that feel? Any numbness or pain?”

“This finger feels kinda stiff,” he replied wiggling his ring finger, “but other than that I have no complaints, canna imagine how it looked when they brought me in.”

“Well, you had three broken fingers and your palm had been crushed, we had to basically reconstruct your hand. That finger was the worst one, and you’re going to need rehab, but by the looks of it you should be able to gain full use of your hand again. How about your back? Any pain there?” I pushed him a little forward so I could take a look at it. 

He grimaced slightly, “It feels verra tight, especially over my shoulders, and I havena seen it, but judging by my brother’s reaction when the nurse came in to change the dressing it’s no a pretty sight.”

I tried to remain as professional as I could, though his sudden insecurity was breaking my heart and I wanted nothing more than to comfort him. “Well it’s part of the healing process, it’s going to feel tight for a while.” Lightly tracing my fingers over his scars I continued, “as for the other part, I’m not going to lie to you Jamie,” he looked up at the sound of his name seeking my face for reassurance, “there’s going to be some extensive scarring.” 

I wanted to tell him that it didn’t matter, that he was still the most beautiful man I had ever seen, that I was also damaged in my own way and his scars were only a testament of his will to live; but pulling his robe back down I settled for, “but you’ve had quite the miraculous recovery, you know? Most people wouldn’t have made it but you pulled through, the scars on your body are just proof that you’re still alive.”

I was sitting by his side on the bed and had inadvertently grabbed his hands making small soothing circular movements with my thumbs. We sat there not saying anything, just staring at each other, immersed in our own little world when the Frasers walked in, popping our bubble. Startled, I jumped off the bed letting go of his hands. His features changed from disappointment to amusement, no doubt enjoying the look of embarrassment on my face.

“Oh sorry dear, we thought ye’d be finished by now. How is the patient?” asked Ellen, amusement on her face as well.

When she said that I realized I had been examining Jamie for near on an hour and I suddenly remembered Frank. Dammit Claire!

Still quite flustered I put the stethoscope back in my coat pocket, “We were just finishing. He’s healing nicely and should make a full recovery. I’m sorry, this took longer than I expected and I really have to go. I’ll come check on him again tomorrow. Have a good night!” Leaving them I walked out hurriedly to my office.

With Jamie finally waking up I had forgotten all about Frank, again, and I was now at least an hour late for our date. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and my face fell when I saw ten missed calls, eight of them from Frank. Fuck! I groaned to myself and dialed his number.

“I’m so s…”

“Sorry, I know. It seems like that’s the only thing I get from you lately.” He was angry and I couldn’t blame him.

“Well I am, very much so, but you know how this is, emergencies come up, it’s part of my job. But I’m hurrying out now…”

“Don’t bother, we already missed the reservation. So what was it now?”

“My patient, who was in a coma? He finally woke up, we had to run a number of tests and…”

“I don’t really want to hear about your patient Claire,” he retorted harshly, “I wanted to have a nice dinner out with my girlfriend, but apparently it’s too much to ask.”

“I know Frank, I already said I’m sorry. Meet me at home? I’ll cook something for us and we can still have a nice night in,” I suggested halfheartedly.

He laughed scornfully, “We both know you can’t cook to save your life… I’m really not in the mood for this right now Claire. I’ll stop by tomorrow, that is if you can spare me a couple of minutes,” and he hung up.

I felt bad for breaking my promise yet again, but it was something I couldn’t control. I knew I hadn’t been the most attentive girlfriend lately, but tonight really hadn’t been my fault, how could I have known that Jamie was going to wake up?! I noticed sadly that I felt guilty, but nothing else, and I was actually relieved that he hadn’t taken me up on the dinner invitation.

On my way home, images of Jamie filled my mind, the way his eyes bore into mine, his luscious hair falling on his face when he leaned forward, and his smile; the way it reached his eyes when he looked at me. His bare, fit arms, and scarred back that took nothing away from his imposing figure. I could still feel the heat of his skin on my hands, it rushed through me, a warm buzz pooling in my belly when we held hands and he looked into my eyes.

That night, alone in my room and emotionally drained I fell into a fitful sleep, only to wake up hours later, clutching the sheets, panting and wet. The dream had been so real, my lips were swollen from his kisses and my need so strong that I literally ached. I snaked my hand down my body, caressing my breasts and stomach, slowly making my way to the humming sensation between my thighs. I touched myself imagining his hands all over my body, ginger curls between my legs, his cock inside me, filling me completely and driving me off the edge. I came deliciously, finally allowing myself some release and sleeping soundly and deeply for the first time in weeks.


	5. CHAPTER 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry for the delay on this chapter! I was on holiday and couldn't get to it, but it's here now. So as always, hope you enjoy. Happy reading!

CHAPTER 5

The next morning I felt more relaxed than I had felt in months. It wasn’t the first time I had taken care of myself thinking of Jamie, but I had stopped after Frank came to Edinburgh. Now, having met Jamie, talked to him and touched him, it had felt so good, so real. Thinking about the previous day I remembered his comment, he had called me Sassenach, which was a contemptuous way to call outlanders in Scotland; but coming from him it sounded more like an endearment. What intrigued me most was what he said about finally meeting me, had his family spoken so much about me in those few hours before we met? 

I walked into his room and was greeted by a beaming smile, his smouldering stare making me blush, thinking of what I had done last night imagining his tongue between my legs. Looking around the room I noticed it was just Ellen with him today, the family had slowly returned to their routines knowing Jamie was going to be fine. They now took turns mostly to keep him company. I cleared my throat, smiling at Ellen “Good morning,” then turning to him, “Jamie, how are you feeling today?” 

“Much better now,” he replied shamelessly flirting. “A little uncomfortable though, the nurse hasna come to change my dressing yet.”

“I came by a little early today, I have rounds to take care of and a surgery. But don’t worry, I’ll change them myself.” At that Ellen stood to hug me warmly before excusing herself, “I’ll leave ye to it then, I’m dying for a cuppa. I just didna want Jamie to be alone.”

“Ma, I’m a grown man, I don’t need te be watched 24/7,” Jamie growled, a little embarrassed at being treated like a child. I thought it was sweet and let out a small chuckle.

“I ken that ye goof, but I feel better knowing Claire is here now. Besides, I need to pamper ye while ye can’t do anything about it, I ken ye won’t let me once yer out of this place.”

His face softened and he smiled sweetly at her, holding her hand, “ye know me too well.”

Placing a kiss on his forehead she left to fetch her coffee. I started untying the bandages; trying really hard not to think of how the lines of his back would look lying naked in my bed. 

We were both quiet, not really knowing what to say but feeling that electricity that coursed between us. After a while he asked, “When will I be able to go home? I dinna think I’ll stand this bed much longer,” a stubborn look already crossing his face.

“You haven’t been awake for more than three days and you’re already restless?” I teased. 

He gave me another of his gorgeous smiles, “Aye, but I’ve been in a bed for over a month, and my body knows it. I need to move, feel the fresh air, and for the love of God get some decent food. No offense Sassenach, but the food here is terrible.”

“None taken,” I laughed, “the food here is downright awful.”

“Ye think maybe we can smuggle some real food in the meantime, like pizza or a steak?” he gave me an owlish look I assumed was an attempt at a wink.

“We can probably work something out,” I winked back. He made a bowing gesture in way of thanks and I continued, “We’ll keep you for observation probably for a couple weeks longer, just to make sure everything’s fine and there are no sequels from the accident; and then you won’t have to deal with me any longer.”

I had said it as a joke, but he started at my comment, like I had slapped him. I could feel him tense under my hands as I quickly finished changing his dressings.

I tried to think of something to change the subject, to lighten the mood again, and then something compelled me to ask about his remark from the previous day. It had been nagging me since last night and I couldn’t stop myself.

“Can I ask you a question?” He didn’t say anything, he just looked at me, prompting me to continue. I became a little self-conscious having his full attention, but there was no turning back now. Just come out with it Beauchamp.

“Well yesterday you said it was good to finally meet me, and it just seemed like an odd comment. I was wondering…”

He bent his head down, his expression guarded and looked at me from under his lashes. Then, taking a deep breath as if in preparation he said, “I’ve been wanting to meet ye for a while now, I’ve been watching ye for months and…”

At the shocked look on my face – he had noticed me too – he stuttered, “that didna come out right, I dinna want ye to think that I’m a stalker creep or anything like that, I just, I’ve noticed ye running around town. And well, honestly since the first day I thought ye’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I had been building up the courage to talk to ye and now well, it seems like fate’s brought us together.”

This was a confession I was not expecting, and not knowing how to manage all that I was feeling I just asked, “and why didn’t you? Come up to talk to me I mean.”

His eyes became sad and his shoulders slumped defeated, “One afternoon I saw ye at the café sharing a meal with a tall, slender bloke; a serious type, with glasses. Ye were holding hands, so I figured he was yer boyfriend and I resigned myself to continue watching ye from afar, even if it broke my heart,” he whispered that last part, so low I thought I must have imagined it. 

I was speechless. My brain short-circuited while every bone in my body was screaming for me to tell him that I had been watching him from afar too, desperately wanting to know him. That I didn’t understand it or know how to explain it but I felt something unlike anything I had felt before from the first time I saw him. 

And right at that moment Ellen came back in, holding a bag of pastries, followed by Laoghaire who was bringing Jamie a bunch of paperwork and drafts he needed to review. Spell broken, I hastily excused myself, leaving Jamie looking baffled and dejected. 

I walked back to my office in a daze. He felt it too, whatever this was between us. But what did this mean? Could we act upon it? To start with he was my patient, it was unprofessional to say the least to get into a relationship with a patient. Seeing him on my morning runs he had been only a dream, an unattainable dream. And even later when fate brought him into my hospital, when I watched over his sleep, I never thought that there could really be anything between us. But now, now that I felt like I knew him, now that he had confessed that he saw me too; I couldn’t think straight remembering how his skin felt under my hands, how his eyes pierced mine, looking straight into my soul…

I startled finding Frank in my office. “Frank! I thought we were meeting at my place, I was about to leave.”

“Well yes”, he said standing up to greet me, “but I wanted to make sure you made it this time, no excuses.” He tried to keep his tone light, but it still came out as a reproach.

“Ok, let’s go then,” I replied, grabbing my bag and turning on my heel, not looking back to make sure he was following.

On the drive home it dawned on me that I didn’t want to continue my relationship with Frank, not after Jamie’s words. I was comfortable with Frank, but I wasn’t in love, at least not anymore. It had been a love born of the need to not be alone, to have a companion, someone to go home to, maybe have a family; but now I craved more. I wanted a different kind of connection, an all encompassing I can’t live without you, or I could but I don’t want to kind of love. Truth was I didn’t even want Frank anymore. We hadn’t had sex in months and lately whenever he tried to start something I would make up any excuse and go to sleep. I didn’t want to even graze his skin, but the slightest touch from Jamie and my nerves became live wires; I was dying for Jamie to touch me. 

When we got to the house I opened the door and he came in after me, closing it with more force than was necessary. I was decided to end things, but I didn’t want to hurt him. We had just drifted apart, and even though Frank hadn’t been one to readily express his feelings, he had been caring and patient and supportive.

“Do you want something to drink?” I asked moving into the kitchen. 

“Just a glass of water.” I definitely needed something stronger so I poured myself a whisky and went back into the living room. I handed Frank his water and sat down on the other side of the couch.

“Who is he?” the bluntness of the question caught me off guard and for a second I just stared at him.

“What do you mean?” I blurted out nearly choking on my drink.

“Well, everything was fine before I left and now I almost have to make an appointment to see you. We’ve barely slept in the same bed since I returned, let alone had sex. You won’t let me touch you, not even a kiss anymore; and the only explanation I can think of is that there is someone else.”

And there was, but was Jamie my sole reason for breaking off my relationship with Frank, or had his presence in my life just precipitated the inevitable? There was no denying that there was something between us, but I couldn’t acknowledge Jamie’s existence to Frank because I myself wasn’t sure what it meant.

“It isn’t like that, I… it’s just, I, we just fell out of love.”

“Don’t speak for me Claire, I still love you, I always have. Why do you think I put up with all this hospital crap?”

“Put up?! Nobody asked you to put up with anything.” I was getting angry, this wasn’t how I wanted to do this. I tried to level my tone.

“Look, I’m sorry you felt like that.”

“Like your sloppy seconds?” he retorted drily.

Keeping my cool was becoming impossible. Where was this coming from? And where did he come off throwing this in my face when he was the first one to cancel plans when something work related came up? 

“I won’t apologize for being dedicated to my career. I never begrudged you your late nights at the university, the weekends you were off giving lectures, or tutoring. I knew this was important to you, and I thought you understood that too.” 

“Well maybe you should have.” His voice had taken on a nasty tone.

“What?”

“Maybe you should have cared a little more Claire, put in more effort to show me that you wanted me, you should have paid more attention.”

I didn’t understand what he was trying to say and then it hit me. Images of short skirts and long legs scrambling to get off his desk, muffled calls in the middle of the night, whispers behind closed doors, conversations cutting off when I came in the room, and even a weird visit to the flat in London once. I’d never given it a second thought; the possibility had never crossed my mind. 

“How many?” I asked keeping my voice level.

“You suddenly care now?”

“How many, Frank?”

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is you never cared enough to notice. Even now it’s like I’m talking to a wall. You find out that your longtime boyfriend has been unfaithful with countless women and I still get no reaction from you. You turned cold, I don’t think you ever loved me, I’m not sure you’re even capable of love!” he yelled, harshly setting his glass on the table.

He was angry and I knew all these words were out of spite; he wanted to hurt me like I had hurt him. I had to admit that my pride was hurt, the realization that he had been fooling me for who knew how long and with how many women (I made a mental note to get every test on the book). It made me angry that he had been so irresponsible; but I also realized that my heart wasn’t broken. So I swallowed all the witty retorts I wanted to spit out, downed my whisky and looked straight at him.

“I did love you Frank, once, maybe not how you would have wanted”, I said calmly. “Maybe you needed someone who would live for you only, no other desires or needs, fulfilled only by your love. Someone to parade on your arm during faculty parties, who didn’t speak her mind, who had no ambitions and did nothing but wait patiently for you to come home very day. I could never be that. I know you’re tired of hearing it but I am sorry, sorry that this didn’t work out for us, sorry that I hurt you. And I hope you believe me when I tell you that I wish you find what you’re looking for. I really hope that you’ll be happy.”

He looked incredulously at me, certainly not the reaction he had wanted. Without a word he stood up and left, slamming the door. I felt a surge of sadness to know that it was over, so many years poured into a relationship to have it end like that; but after his confession I couldn’t feel guilty and I was mostly relieved, a huge weight lifting off my shoulders. Emotionally exhausted from the day’s events I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.


	6. CHAPTER 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! So sorry I've been MIA these past weeks. Long story short I was moving and then my computer broke and I just got it back, so I wasn't able to work on this for a while. But now I'm back :) I start an intensive schedule at work in October so I'm not sure how frequently I'll be able to update but I'll try to have something for you at least every couple of weeks. If you're still following and reading, thank you! It means the world that you like this story. Without further ado, happy reading!

Chapter 6

I wanted to see Jamie, but I had to think. I needed to organize my thoughts and feelings. Did I want to jump into something new, having just ended things with Frank? I wasn’t fooling myself into believing that this was mere attraction, I knew it was more, much more, but could I trust Jamie with my heart? Did he want it? He was also still my patient and that brought on a whole other set of doubts. I had to think, and we had to talk. 

Before leaving for the hospital I put on some mascara and tried to tame my unruly curls, until finally and utterly frustrated I decided to just let them be. I had never put much effort into my appearance at the hospital, it was my work place and the work hours were long and demanding; I needed to be comfortable, not pretty. But now I had the urge to look more attractive. I hadn’t felt so nervous in a long time, especially not about a man. I didn’t know what to except from this, but the sole idea of being with Jamie had my heart beating out of my chest. 

“Looking good Claire!” greeted Geillis as I came around the corner to pick up the charts for morning rounds. “Somebody special we’re trying to impress?” she winked.

I wasn’t ready to tell her that I was no longer with Frank and that this new made up Claire was in fact trying to impress a certain striking redheaded patient, so I attempted to brush her off. “Haven’t you and Joe been telling me that I look tired? This is me trying to look less tired, for your sakes, so you don’t have to suffer my tiredness.”

She wasn’t buying it for a second. “Mhmm, ok… so are you taking the chart for room 265? Or would you like me to ask Joe to take that patient today? I wouldn’t mind changing his dressings myself, lad’s easy on the eye,” she grinned wickedly. 

“Give me that!” I laughed, taking the chart out of her hands. There was no fooling her; besides, anyone who cared to look a little closer would have noticed that my attentions with Jamie went well above and beyond usual patient care.

“Alright, alright, no need for violence. He’s all yours!” she said a little too loudly as I walked hurriedly away before she could say anything else.

I had decided to take the day to think, go about my rounds, and concentrate on the surgeries I had scheduled for the day. I was going to check on Jamie when my shift was over, after I had hopefully cleared my mind a bit and at a time we could talk without interruptions. But when I walked into the cafeteria in search of some much needed morning coffee I stumbled into his parents. They greeted me with hugs and not very subtly let me know that Jamie was by himself and they were going to be a while still, so I figured now was as good a time as any and made my way to Jamie’s room. 

My heart was hammering in my chest, hands sweaty, butterflies in my stomach, dizzy with anticipation. The door to his room was half open and without knocking I walked right in to find Jamie kissing some woman. She had lush brown waves falling down her back and seemed fit judging by her extra tight skinny jeans. She was bent over Jamie, almost blocking him from the entrance, but I could tell she was cupping his face, her lips on his. I couldn’t really see Jamie’s face, but one thing was clear, he wasn’t pulling away. 

Feeling all the air leave my lungs, for a minute forgetting how to breathe I stopped on my tracks. Coming out of the shock the only thing I wanted was to get out of there unnoticed and as fast as my legs could take me. I turned to leave and at that moment Jamie looked up at me. Shuffling uncomfortably under the sheets he straightened up and quickly pulled back from the woman. 

Nowhere to run now and before he could say anything, I tried to compose my features; everyone always told me that I had a glass face, and I didn’t want to show him how much this hurt although at that moment I was sure if I looked down I’d see a dagger going through my chest. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’ll come check on your hand when you’re not busy,” was all I could manage, struggling to keep my tone nonchalant and professional but no doubt falling short.

The woman had turned around to look at me. She was beautiful, young, pretty skin, delicate features and big blue eyes… they would have gorgeous blue-eyed babies. She gave me a snarky look reaching to grab hold of Jamie’s hand, attempting to mark her territory. I didn’t give Jamie time to react, I had seen enough. 

“No, it’s not… Dr. Beauchamp, Claire, wait please!” Jamie pleaded calling me back, but I was already out the door. 

I ran down the hall to my office, shut the door and let the dam break. It must have been just seconds, but the whole scenario felt like hours playing in a slow motion loop in my mind. I could see her leaning over, cupping his face, kissing him, and Jamie letting her. This had to be the woman his family had talked about. Ellen had said that he hadn't been too bothered when he broke things off with her, on the contrary she said it seemed as if a weight had lifted from his shoulders. But clearly things weren’t over between them; she had come to see him and she kissed him. He kissed her. 

I pushed my palms against my eyes, trying to stop the tears. Why was I crying?! I didn’t even know him, not really. I knew a version of him, seen through his family’s eyes and I had allowed myself to create this perfect image of a man. But I didn’t know the real Jamie Fraser, and my imaginary version had just been torn to shreds. This thing I had felt, this connection between us, I thought he had felt it too. If not, why confess he had seen me too? Why tell me that conforming to seeing me from afar broke his heart? Why suggest that fate had brought us together?

I felt more betrayed by Jamie than by Frank’s confession. I hadn’t been in love with Frank for a while now and knowing he had been fooling around with other people in a way dissipated the guilt I felt falling out of love. But Jamie… the idea of Jamie had held the possibility of something more, of the kind of love that you read about in books, that spans years and continents. As crazy as it seemed, what I felt when Jamie touched me, when he looked into my eyes; I was sure it was different, special. But I was wrong and this was stupid; I had no claim on him, he could kiss whomever he liked. Still, my heart ached with a kind of pain I had never known before, was this what it felt to have your heart broken? I could swear I heard it shatter.

So I gave myself one hour to cry. This was how I coped whenever something bad happened, I allowed myself a time to grieve, to be angry, to wallow in self pity and cry and cuss the world; and when that time was up I picked myself up off the floor and hit the ground running. I cried trying to put the pieces of my heart back together just as I had done with his body only a few weeks ago. I replayed every moment in my head, all those hours in the operating room willing him to stay alive, every minute spent holding his hand and watching him sleep, every smile, every look, every touch. I went through all the time spent with his family, listening to their stories, their kind words and warm hugs. I saw myself in that room as they kissed. I cried grieving the loss of a love that had never been; and after an hour I stood up, wiped my tears, washed my face, fixed my makeup and went about my day. I tried to focus on my other patients; I scrubbed in on additional surgeries and pulled a double shift. 

The next few days I sent Joe to check on Jamie. The first day he raised his eyebrows in question; but seeing that I would be producing no answer he didn’t push the subject and his reports on Jamie’s condition were 100% professional. 

As much as I tried not to think of him he filled my mind to the point of distraction. It was painful to remember him, the way he smiled when I caressed his sleeping face or the feeling of his skin under my hands. I couldn’t get her face out of my mind, her smirk, how she seemed so sure of her place, of him. It was a punch in the stomach every time the memory came up, but I didn’t cry anymore. I reminded myself that there had been no promises made, that I had gone ahead of myself thinking that there was something between us.

I poured myself into my patients, taking every shift I could so that I had no time to think of anything but work and by the time I got home I was so exhausted and drained that I fell into a dreamless sleep.

I put off seeing Jamie until the very last minute. I had no desire to see him, but being the main orthopedic surgeon and having led the team during his operation I had to check his hand before he was allowed to go home. I hadn’t told anyone but Geillis what had happened, and only because she forced it out of me. She had been giving me the 101 on the brunette situation: apparently she had come back the day after I found them kissing only to be politely but forcefully kicked out by one Jenny Fraser, and no one had seen her since. At least I knew I wouldn’t see her when I walked into his room. 

Regardless, I knocked before coming in. Brian and Jenny where talking to Jamie, and I guessed Ellen or Murtagh were out probably getting him some food, the man was like a bottomless barrel. When he saw me come in, Jamie smiled and I could see his body instantly relax. Then, he looked up into my eyes and I’m not sure what he found there - I was barely in control of my emotions - but his smile turned into a grimace, and his body slumped defeated while he kept his gaze set on me. 

“We’ve missed ye these past days Dr. Beauchamp,” said Brian, trying to lighten the mood, but missing the familiarity of the previous weeks. I felt a sadness set upon me, not only had I lost Jamie without ever calling him mine, but I had lost the chance to be part of a family, of this family. 

I turned to him putting on my best fake grin, “I’m sorry, I’ve been busy with other patients. The ER has been jammed and I’ve had back-to-back surgeries, but I trust Dr. Abernathy has been taking good care of you.”

“Oh sure, is just ye’re prettier to look at that’s all,” he joked, making me laugh for the first time in days.

Brian and Jenny tried to excuse themselves, but I had no intention of being left alone with Jamie, this was a professional visit. “Oh, no need for you to leave really, I’ll just be a couple of minutes.”

Reluctantly they sat themselves back down and I proceeded to examine Jamie in the most detached manner I could manage. His skin still felt like fire under my hands, a wildfire that spread across my body, scattering all thoughts in my head. I avoided his eyes knowing that I would lose it if I looked at him and concentrated on working as quickly as possible; I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

When I finished I turned back to Brian and Jenny, ignoring Jamie altogether. “He’s recovered quite nicely. He has a last battery of exams scheduled for this afternoon and if everything comes out clean he’ll be able to go home in a couple of days.” He would go home, resume his life and I would never see him again. I would put my heart back together and the handsome Viking would become a memory.

“Dr. Beuachamp, please, can we talk? It will just be a moment,” Jamie pleaded softly, moving closer to the edge of the bed. I could feel the heat emanating from him, and from the corner of my eye I saw his hand reaching for mine. I jerked away, walking towards the door.

“If you don’t have any questions about your health Mr. Fraser I really have to go, I have a few more patients to see before turning in for the night,” I replied coldly.

Jamie gave a sad, almost imperceptible nod and Jenny just looked at me, puzzlement in her eyes. Brian was the one to reply “Aye Dr. Thank ye so much, for everything”. His voice was so earnest I found myself hugging him. He stood for a moment, surprised, but quickly recovered and held me in a bear hug, like the ones I imagined he reserved for family only.

“It’s been a pleasure Brian. If I don’t see you before you leave, please give my best to Ellen and the family, it was lovely to meet you all, albeit not under the happiest of occasions.” I let go and left the room, mourning all the could have beens that would never be. 

I walked hastily down the hallway and was almost to my office when I felt a hand on my shoulder forcing me to turn around and face a very determined Jenny.

“She means nothing to him,” she said sternly.

“Excuse me?” I asked, feigning ignorance.

“Jamie told me what happened, with Geneva. That’s why yer upset, that's why we havna seen you in almost two weeks. She means nothing to him.”

“I’ve just been busy Jenny, I’m sorry I haven’t had time…”

“Please Claire,” she cut me off, “who do ye think yer fooling? Not me, that’s for sure.” Annoyed at my unwillingness to accept that I had kept away on purpose after finding Jamie kissing Geneva she continued, “look, I see the way he looks at ye, like you hung the moon and the stars in the sky. I’ve never seen that look in his eyes before; and I know that you feel something for him too… Ye can shake yer head all you want, it doesna change the facts.”

“It doesn’t matter Jenny,” I sounded defeated, “not anymore.”

“How can ye say that? Ye never gave me the impression of being such a coward. I thought you’d be someone who fought for what they wanted. You know, maybe it’s for the best, if you’re one to give up so easily then maybe you don’t deserve him anyways.”

“That’s not fair Jenny,” I replied, raising my chin to look her in the eyes. “There’s nothing to fight for here in any case.”

“Christ!” she exclaimed exasperated, “I thought us Frasers were stubborn but yer taking the cake. Maybe yer meant to be with my brother, maybe no, but don’t walk away without finding out, ye will regret it.”

I stood looking at her, my mouth set stubbornly. “Fine. At least give him a chance to explain, ye both deserve that. And I think ye need to know, if ye don’t the ‘what ifs’ will drive ye crazy.” She gave me a quick hug and returned to the room leaving me standing alone and more confused than ever.


	7. CHAPTER 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Wanted to apologize for not responding to all your comments. I want you to know that I read each and every one. Knowing you like the story, your reactions to the character's trials and tribulations, it really makes my day. Your comments always put a smile on my face, you are all so kind, and I wanted you to know that even though I can't respond I really appreciate you taking the time to write them so very much! So one more time, thank you for reading, for sharing and for letting me know that you care. Anyways, I'll leave you to it. Happy reading!

CHAPTER 7

Joe and Geillis ambushed me on my way out. 

“Guys what’s going on? I had a very long day, I just want to go home,” I pleaded trying to make my way around them.

“Oh no you don’t, this is an intervention”. Geillis stepped in front of me, blocking the door. “We are going to drown your sorrows in alcohol, let’s go. We’re not taking no for an answer, move it.” 

I was exhausted, I wanted to go home and I most definitely didn’t want to reminisce on the events of the last few days. “I really don’t want to talk. Just let me go home, I’m ok.”

“You are not ok! And I can’t take this sulking around anymore, so we’re going out.”

“Alright, I’m not ok… but I will be. I just want to be alone. This is really not necessary.”

“Come on Lady Jane, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to but you can’t keep on like this. Humor me, I’m in dire need of a drink too,” kneaded Joe, real concern in his voice.

“Fine!” I raised my arms in exasperation. “One drink.”

There was a pub around the corner from the hospital where we used to go during the early days to wind down, share notes, and mostly complain about insufferable or incompetent colleagues. We hadn’t been in a while, but the little dingy hole had an immediate relaxing effect. It was full of medical students and staff from the hospital. The floor was already sticky from all the spilled beer and the walls were decorated with all kinds of mismatched knick-knacks and memorabilia. 

We made our way to our usual booth under the glowing unicorn head with the sunglasses and the Cuban cigar while Geillis fetched the drinks. 

“Whisky neat for the lady, and here’s your beer Joe.”

“Thank you hun.” I sat cradling my drink trying to concentrate on Geillis’ story about her latest conquest; some very polite Canadian guy she had met at a yoga and wine soirée. 

“Well, ya ken I always go for the assholes, I’ve like a magnet. So then this guy comes up to me and I figure, he’s Canadian, how much of a moron can he be? A big one it turns out. A polite moron mind you, but a moron none the less. Still, he’s cute, so I think maybe we’re getting lost in translation, give it a bit more time. The wine keeps flowing so after a while I don’t really care what he’s saying, we end up in my place and then he’s so drunk he can’t even perform! Total waste of my time. I promise I’m swearing off foreign guys, no offense Joe.”

“Non taken,” laughed Joe. “But what happened with the Irish guy? I thought that one had potential.” 

“Ugh… dinna even get me started…”

The conversation slowly disappeared into the background and my mind inevitably drifted to Jamie and what Jenny had said. 

“She means nothing to him.” I said after a while, staring at my drink.

“What?” Joe and Geillis had stopped talking and they were both looking at me.

“That’s what she said, Jenny; that she means nothing to him.” 

“Wait, what? When did ye talk to his sister?” asked Geillis, a bit annoyed that I had failed to share this bit of information.

“Today, she cornered me in the hallway and told me that this Geneva woman means nothing to Jamie and that I should give him a chance to explain. I wouldn’t budge so she called me a coward and said I was being stubborn. She said I’d regret not talking to Jamie.”

“Damn, that woman is tiny but fierce, I do admit I’m a little bit scared of her,” commented Joe trying to lighten the mood.

“You are not a coward! She means nothing to him? Is that supposed to make it alright? Oh, you go about kissing other people, it’s fine, as long as they don’t really mean anything to ye.” Geillis was outraged, she had become team not Jamie since the kissing incident, which was why I hadn’t told her about my conversation with Jenny. Geillis was too black or white, and I didn’t see things that way.

“Yes, but he doesn’t owe me anything. We flirted but nothing ever happened, he made no promises, we barely know each other and still… Am I crazy? I don’t think this is normal; it’s certainly not usual. I just convinced myself there was something there, but what if there wasn’t? He’s free to kiss whoever he wants.”

“You are absolutely not crazy, I don’t like to admit it because he’s a bastard who doesn’t deserve ye, but everyone saw the spark between you two. I get it. He looks like a supermodel and he’s tall and built like a warrior; and from the things his family told you I can admit he did seem like a catch. Any warm blooded woman and many men for that matter would want to get in his bed. And yes, it is true that since he stumbled into your life you’ve been different, more alive somehow. And I am glad that this attraction finally pushed you to end things with Frank, which by the way I’m still angry you hadn’t told me! But it was obvious that wasn’t going to work out. What I’m trying to say is good riddance, to both of them! As you said you don’t really know him. I think it’s better to walk away now; you don’t want to get into a relationship already having to fight for the guy; this thing with that Geneva woman seems complicated and far from over. There’s plenty of other fish in the sea. Whatever this is you’ll get over it and I mean look at you, beauty and brains! All confidence and messy curls, not to mention your fantastic ass! You’ll be single for all of 2 minutes.”

But Geillis didn’t get it, not even I got it. I just knew that what I felt was so much more than mere attraction. Rationally I knew it made absolutely no sense, it shouldn’t hurt this much to see him with someone else or the idea of not having him in my life, but I couldn’t help it.

I remained quiet, thinking; she did make some good points. “Ok, so I’m going to the loo and then we’ll get to work finding a nice gentleman to get your head off those dreamy blue eyes.” She stood to go and turned to hug me. “You are a queen and you are going to be more than ok!”

Joe had been silent during the whole conversation. Since we met, Geillis was always the little impulsive devil on my shoulder and Joe was the voice of reason, level headed and rational. They both said it as they saw it and I needed some of Joe’s no nonsense wisdom right about now.

I looked at him, “I’ve never felt anything like this, and it scares me, so much Joe.”

“I understand,” he said softly, “but what if this is it? The love of your life, your happily ever after? Nobody writes songs about the ones that come easy Lady Jane,” he continued, putting his hand on mine and holding my gaze. “Look I don’t know what is going on with this other woman, and I admit it seems complicated. But what if you’re wrong? What if it’s really not what you`re thinking?”

“I saw what I saw Joe. I know a kiss when I see one, no one told me about it. And I felt so stupid and humiliated. I created this whole love story in my head, but that’s what it was, make believe.”

“Don’t be dense Claire, don’t minimize your feelings; you know there was more, you just said so, hell even Geillis admitted it. I don’t know Jamie, but I know you and I can honestly tell you that I’ve never seen that spark in your eye, not in all the time that we’ve know each other. Not when you’re in the operating room doing what you love the most and definitely not when you talked about Frank,” he squeezed my hand, “this man has awoken something in you and to me that seems like something worth fighting for. True, he doesn’t owe you an explanation, but he wants to give it to you. And you owe it to yourself to give this a chance. At least hear him out, get all the facts straight before walking away.”

“Maybe you’re right. I’m just so scared.”

“Since when have you ever let fear stop you? You are one of the bravest people I know. You’ve already been through so much and you deserve to be happy.”

“Of course she does!” said Geillis, returning to our table. “Alrighty, who’s ready to go hunting?” she asked, putting her arm around my shoulder and scanning the room.

“I’m ready to go home, but let me know how it goes,” I answered grabbing my purse.

“What?! No, the night is far from over…”

“Let her go, come on I’ll be your wingman,” offered Joe trying to distract her.

“Much good you’ll do, besides I don’t need a wingman thank you very much!” Then, grabbing my hand and accepting defeat she begrudgingly allowed me to leave. “Ok go, I’ll see ye tomorrow. Try to get some sleep, I love you.”

“Thank you,” I hugged them both, “you are the best friends a girl could ask for.”

Jamie was being released form the hospital tomorrow, so if I was going to hear him out it had to be today. I still wasn’t sure; the past few days had been utterly painful and I barely even knew him. What would happen if I let him in and he ended up tearing out my heart? I didn’t think I’d survive that. But Jenny had been clever with her words, she knew exactly what to say, and deep down I knew she was right; and so was Joe, if I didn’t talk to Jamie I would regret it.

I stopped in front of his half open door, noticing thankfully that he was alone and knocking before I changed my mind. 

“Come in” came his voice.

He probably thought it was one of the nurses because he didn’t look up from his book, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

“I wouldn’t have taken you for a Tolkien fan” I said closing the door.

He startled at the sound of my voice, “Claire?” More a question than a statement, like he couldn’t believe I was really there.

“Hi Jamie”. His fathomless blue eyes looked deep into mine, searching, and I felt my bones turn to jelly, quickly reaching for the chair in front of his bed. If I was going to get through this I couldn’t touch him. I was going to listen to him but I needed to keep my distance to be able to keep my wits about me.

“So, Tolkien…” I remarked sitting down; not ready yet for the conversation we were about to have.

He glanced back at his book “I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read this. It’s one of my go-tos when I need a bit of a pick me up. Amidst all the chaos and darkness, it’s so hopeful. In the end it’s about friendship and family and finding the things in life that are worth fighting for, not losing faith even when it seems everything is lost.”

“But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo...and it's worth fighting for.” I quoted.

“Ah,” he said grinning slightly, “so you’re a fellow fan.”

“It is a classic and I do love myself some fantasy. That is one of my favorite parts.” 

We fell silent for a moment, then cautiously he looked up at me again. “I’m so glad ye’re here” he smiled shyly.

“Well… Jenny nearly tackled me in the hallway” I fidgeted nervously in my chair. “I’m not sure why I came though…”

“I’ll have to remember to thank her later” he snorted, and then dropping all hints of a joke, “I want to explain what ye saw the other day”.

“It’s not necessary Jamie. Jenny asked me to come talk to you, but I know there was nothing between us. I will admit I didn’t like what I saw but you are free to kiss whomever you want. You don’t owe my anything.”

“But I do, please, I need to tell you.”

I felt silly, but I also wanted to know what he had to say. He seemed so eager to set things straight that I felt a little flame of hope reignite, “ok…” I said, sitting straighter.

“The woman ye saw in my room that day, that was Geneva, my ex girlfriend. We were together only for some months. I knew almost from the start that it wasn’t going to work out; but I had been single for a long time, my friend John had insisted and I thought there was no harm in giving it a shot. I was wrong. She became obsessed and when I broke up with her she threatened to harm herself. I wouldn’t be bribed, but she wouldn’t stop calling; I even had to change my number and move to another flat. Eventually she let off and I thought that was the end of that until she showed up here…”

I kept quiet, prompting him to go on.

“I wasna pleased to see her, and I told her so. I asked her to leave, but she refused and since I didna want her to cause a scene I agreed to talk to her.”

At my raised eyebrow the corners of his mouth lifted slightly. “Stupid, I know”. “We had been talking for a few minutes”, he continued “she was telling me she missed me, that she had been so worried when she heard I had been in an accident – I could kill John for telling her – that she was sure I was the one; slowly riling herself up. Suddenly she jumped up, grabbed my face, pressed her lips to mine and that’s when ye came in.”

“You didn’t exactly reject her advances”. 

“It’s not an excuse, but she took me by surprise. It all happened so quickly I didn’t know how to react and then you came in, and I knew how it must have looked.”

“Like you were letting her kiss you.” I commented a bit sarcastically. 

“I swear Claire, I didn’t kiss her back and I didn’t do anything to make her think that I wanted that kiss. As soon as ye left I told her to leave and never return, I made it very clear, again, that I never want to see her again. She means absolutely nothing to me.”

His eyes were pleading and transparent, I could sense honesty in his words. He moved forward to grab my hand, but noticing my reluctance he let his hand drop to the bed. Still looking somberly at me he resumed, “I don’t have anything with Geneva, nor do I want to and I ken that you and I havena known each other for long and I don’t know what it is between us, but I know it’s real and unusual and very special. I need ye to believe me when I tell ye that since the moment I first saw you I’ve wanted nothing more than to know ye. Just a glimpse of you made my day complete and now that I’ve looked into your eyes and felt your hands in mine… I’ve been miserable these past few days thinking that I would never see ye again, that I would have to conform again to watching ye from a distance.” 

I didn’t know what to say, too many thoughts running through my mind, too many feelings to handle. I felt relief in knowing that this hadn’t been one’sided after all, that my feelings were in some way reciprocated and that this fairytale I had envisioned had some truth to it. But could I let myself hope? Should I let myself give in? There were no guarantees that Geneva would actually stay away, and in that, Geillis had a point; I didn’t want to start a relationship having to fight another woman. It wasn’t cowardice; it was principle and self-preservation. I knew relationships took work but it was precisely hard enough without third parties involved. I needed to be able to feel safe and secure in a relationship, and even if I could trust Jamie I didn’t want this woman constantly harassing us. On the other hand, what if Joe was right and this was my happily ever after? Was I going to let it go, let her win, or was I going to follow my gut; was I going to be brave and risk another possibly fatal heartbreak for the possibility that this might be the love of my life? 

Probably seeing the turmoil in my eyes and taking my silence for anger or indecision he continued. “Please Claire, ye have to believe me. There is only one woman I want to be kissing, and I ken ye dinna really know each other, but I promise if ye give me a chance I promise you won’t regret it. I have found in you the most incredible woman and I refuse to let ye go without a fight. I ken ye have a boyfriend and I dinna expect…” 

I had been silent until then, holding his gaze, unable to pull away from his stare and I don’t know what compelled me to say it. “We broke up”, I blurted out.

“What?” he exclaimed.

“We broke up, I don’t have a boyfriend anymore,” I confirmed, finally giving in and grabbing his hand.

All the tension in the room evaporated, Jamie rewarded me with the most beautiful smile and I could feel all worry and doubt leaving my body. 

“I cannae say I’m sorry lass”. 

“Neither can I,” I smiled back.

“Will ye have lunch with me, tomorrow?” he asked hurriedly.

“You move fast don’t you?” I chuckled.

“Hey, I’ll take any opportunity I can get” he smirked flirtatiously.

“Ok, fine. I’ll give you, us, whatever this is a chance. But I need to take it slow; please don’t make me regret this.”

“Yes!” he was absolutely beaming. “As slowly as ye need, you will see I can be a very patient man. I swear you won’t regret it.” His enthusiasm was contagious and I could already feel my heart settling back into it’s usual pace.

“I have back-to-back surgeries all day tomorrow though” I replied, looking at my watch, my smile turning into a frown. I always lost track of time when I was with Jamie and I was now late for rounds.

“You’ll have thirty minutes to eat something. I’ll meet ye in the cafeteria, 1:30. No is not an option. You’ll find I’m pretty stubborn too,” he attempted to wink.

I couldn’t resist the childish look on his face, like a little boy begging his parents to take him to Disney World.

“I can definitely see that, it seems a trait of the Fraser clan. Alright, I have to go now but I’ll see you tomorrow then”, I said standing up to leave.

“Have a good night,” he said, holding on to my hand. “Oh, and Claire?” The way he said my name, with that slow Scottish burr made my heart skip a beat.

“Yes?” 

“Dream of me?”

I did.


	8. CHAPTER 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! So sorry I went MIA for a while there. My schedule has just been impossible and I hadn't found the itme to sit down and write. To make up for it though I'm posting two chapters today :) First one is a bit on the short side but the second is the longest one yet! I make no promises but I will try my best to update again soon. Let me know your thoughts, I'm always uplifted by your encouraging comments! Now, without further ado, happy reading!!
> 
> P.S: Please excuse any errors, didn't proofread too much as I wanted to upload today. Have a great week!

**CHAPTER 8**

He was sitting at a table tucked in a corner in the cafeteria, comfortably reading his book, legs straight and crossed under the table, and I was running very late. Hair tossed in a messy bun to try to keep it out of my face, stethoscope in my pocket, I ungracefully plopped into the chair in front of him.

“I’m really sorry, the surgery ran late and then…”

He startled for a second, and then putting the book down he looked at me with patience in his eyes and not a little amusement.

“Claire, it’s fine, ye dinna have to apologize. I think it’s very admirable how committed you are to your patients and I understand sometimes emergencies just happen” he made an up and down movement with his hand gesturing to himself. “Besides, I had my book to keep me company and we still have a few minutes for ye to grab something to eat”.

For the briefest moment I couldn’t help comparing his reaction to what I would have gotten from Frank (complaints and recrimination), and wondering if it was the newness of the relationship or if Jamie would one too come to resent my job. _Getting way too ahead of yourself Beauchamp!_

“Actually”, I said, trying to regain my breath and refocus on the moment, “my next surgery was cancelled, so if you don’t have to leave soon I have a couple of hours. I’m sure you’re pretty desperate to get out of this place…”

“No place I’d rather be, Sassenach” he interrupted with a face splitting grin that made his eyes twinkle and my stomach flip.

“Is that supposed to be a term of endearment?” I asked quirking my eyebrow.

He blushed explaining hurriedly “Aye… I mean no offense by it truly. I started calling you that before I met ye, because ye were so foreign to me, and it kind of stuck I suppose”.

He was so flustered I had to laugh, “It’s alright Jamie, I don’t mind. I think I even like it”.

Bomb averted, his smile returned. “So, what would ye like to eat?”

“Not much to choose from here as you well know. Care to share a sandwich?”

“I’ll be right back”. I stared at him as he walked to get our food, admiring the grace of his movements, the way his muscles danced under his clothes. He had lost some weight during his stay in the hospital, but he was still built like a Viking warrior and the butterflies in my belly started to flutter with more urgency.

He came back to the table carrying a veggie sandwich, water and a piece of banana bread.

“Banana bread! Probably the only good thing they make in this place! It’s usually gone by this time.”

“It was the last one; so enjoy it cause I had to fight that old lady for it. She wasna too pleased”.

Laughing I turned around to see said lady staring at us, daggers in her eyes. “I think she might have just cursed you”.

“You’re probably right. But if she did, it was well worth the look in your face when you saw it on the tray, so eat up”.

“Why, thank you!” I said grabbing a piece of bread and savoring it.

“Sassenach I…” looking up from my meal I was met with anxiety in his eyes. “I ken we talked about this yesterday but I feel the need to tell ye again that what happened with Geneva was unwanted, uncalled for and will never happen again. I have talked to John, forbidding him from giving her any more information on my life ever again and I made it very clear to her that whatever there had been between us ended a long time ago and I have absolutely no interest in revisiting the past”.

“Jamie, I believe you, I’m here aren’t I? There’s really no need for you to worry about this”. I said earnestly.

“I don’t know what this is”, he said moving his had in the space between us, “and I don’t know where it will go. What I do know is that I’m feeling things that I have never felt before and I want you to know that I am committed and loyal and if you give me, us, a real chance I have a feeling that we could be truly happy.”

“I have the same feeling, I can sense whatever this is it is special and I want to see where it takes us”, I replied, playfully offering him a piece of banana bread to lighten the mood.

We spent the next couple of hours talking and laughing. Sometime during our lunch he took hold of my hand and I let him, spending the rest of the afternoon caressing and exploring, not willing to let go. His touch was soothing and relaxing at the same time that his mere presence set all my nerves on fire.

He was attentive, asking all kinds of questions about my job, what drove me to become a surgeon, why I had moved to Edinburgh, my hobbies; and even though I had heard so many stories about him from his family, I found myself enchanted with his retelling.

His eyes never left mine, and I felt myself getting lost in him, wanting to know everything about this man who had quickly become so much more than a handsome stranger or my patient.

We had lost track of time as had become a usual occurrence whenever I was alone with Jamie when my alarm went off scaring us both and making me jump out of my chair; sending us into a fit of laughter.

“I have to go prep for surgery”, I said standing up, all traces of laughter suddenly gone.

Reluctantly he let go of my hand and stood up. “Aye”.

“Thank you for a lovely lunch Jamie”, I said.

“Can I see you again? I’d verra much like to take ye out on a proper date”.

“I would like that too”. I stepped closer to him, standing on tiptoes to give him a peck on the cheek. “Talk to you later then”.

* * *

The surgery had been long and complicated; I left the hospital on autopilot and didn’t think to check my phone until I was snuggled in bed. I had one missed call and two messages all from an unknown number.

**Unknown:**

_Hi Sassenach, I had a great time today._

_Tis Jamie by the way._

I realized I had agreed to a date but I never gave him my number.

**Claire:**

_I figured, nobody else calls me Sassenach you know. How did you get my number?_

I saved his number and put the phone down not excepting a reply at 1 in the morning, but it buzzed not two minutes later.

**Jamie:**

_Ahhh I canna reveal my sources!_

I had a pretty good idea who that secret source was and I would bet my life it had red hair, green eyes and a cheeky smile.

**Claire:**

_Haha, ok then, keep your secrets._

**Jamie:**

_About that date…_

**Claire:**

_Yes?_

Butterflies fluttering in my stomach; this man had turned me into a teenager with a crush.

**Jamie:**

_Any plans for the weekend?_

**Claire:**

_Well, I have the next couple of day off so…_

**Jamie:**

_Perfect! I’ll pick ye up tomorrow at 8 so ye better go get some sleep._

**Claire:**

_Wait, where are we going?_

**Jamie:**

_It’s a surprise._

**Claire:**

_And how will you pick me up? I haven’t given you my address._

**Jamie:**

_No need, I’m verra resourceful ;p Sleep tight Sassenach, see ye tomorrow._

I laughed, giddy at the thought of spending a whole day alone with Jamie.

**Claire:**

_Goodnight Jamie._

**Jamie:**

_Goodnight Claire._


	9. CHAPTER 9: FIRST DATE

**CHAPTER 9: FIRST DATE**

He rang the bell at 8am sharp. I opened the door still sleepy, leaning on the doorframe. “Good morning Sassenach! Are ye ready?” he beamed, offering me a steaming cup of coffee. Taking the cup I half frowned, half smiled at him, how could anyone be so cheery this early in the morning?

“Not sure. You’re still not telling me where we’re going? I don’t even know if I’m dressed properly”. Having no clue where he was taking me I had opted for skinny jeans, a t-shirt, cardigan and boots. 

“Yer perfect", he stammered, realizing he had been staring. _Well done Beauchamp._ "And no, I told ye tis a surprise. We’re not going alone though, I hope ye don’t mind”.

My face fell at that; I was looking forward to being alone with Jamie, I didn’t want to share him with anyone. Since when did a date include a plus one? Following his gaze to the car I saw a huge, gorgeous black Newfoundland patiently staring out the window.

“Oh” I managed with a grin.

Smiling he took my hand and led me to the car, “Claire I would like ye to meet Adso. Adso this is Claire, the one I’ve told ye about”. He gave me his owlish attempt at a wink making me smile.

Pleased, I reached out to pet Adso burying my fingers into his fur and he wagged his tail enthusiastically and pushed his head into my hand, prompting me to scratch behind his ears.

“Hi, boy! Pleasure to meet you”. Turning to Jamie I teased “so you’ve been talking about me huh?”

“Of course” then, all teasing gone from his voice his eyes dark, with a deepness I hadn’t seen before “yer the best thing that’s happened to me in a verra long time Claire”.

I smiled shyly cupping his cheek with my hand and looking into his eyes, trying to convey without words the way he made me feel.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Let’s go” I nodded.

Jamie settled into the car, arm resting on the open window. I relaxed in the passenger seat, getting used to his presence. Leaving Edinburgh behind I stopped wondering where we were going and just enjoyed the scenery, I hadn’t explored Scotland outside of the city and it was incredible. We sang along to the radio, or at least I sang; I learned that Jamie couldn’t carry a tune.

The sign said Queen’s View Visitor Center and we parked just outside a small café. Jamie got out of the car and came around to open my door, offering his hand to help me out. Letting Adso out of the car we walked around the café to find a small quaint barn with a few horses tethered outside.

“These are all Lallybroch horses, best horses ye’ll find in Scotland. We raise them, and the ones we dinna keep at Lallybroch we sell to these kinds of places. It’s really Willie’s job, as I’m busy with the publishing house, but I like to come around once in a while to make sure everything’s running smoothly and the horses are well taken care of” he explained proudly.

“They’re magnificent Jamie, can I pet them?”

“Ye can do more than pet them, I had a couple saddled so we could ride for a while afore eating our picnic out by the lake” he said, producing a picnic basket.

Again, my face must have shown all my emotions because he looked at me concerned, “do ye not like the idea? We can walk up there if ye prefer, it’s not that far”.

“No, no, it’s fine. I love horses. I used to be a pretty good rider once upon a time during my adventures with uncle Lamb, it’s just been a while”.

“We could ride together? Alister is big and strong, I’m sure he wouldna mind. When we go to Lallybroch ye can have yer own horse”.

Lallybroch. He was already picturing us in the future, taking me to Lallybroch. According to his family, he’d never taken anyone there, definitely not Geneva. His words warmed my heart as I realized how badly I wanted there to be a future for us, together.

I smiled, looking adoringly into his eyes. “Perfect”.

A few minutes later they brought out Alister, a brown stallion with calm eyes and a shiny coat. Jamie got on effortlessly; clearly he was in his element, born to ride. He stretched out his hand to help me up and I settled in in front of him, sitting between his legs. He hugged me closer to him and I could feel his chest against my back, an electric surge running down my spine at the proximity. Calling Adso to follow we set out in a light trot.

We rode for about an hour, both hyperaware of our closeness but still too shy in the newness of our relationship to do anything about it. We went through luscious forests and low hills until we reached a small beach. The view was amazing, some of the leaves on the trees were already turning different shades of auburn, a nice contrast to the surrounding green; and the light was reflecting on the lake, rays playing on the water. It was a warm autumn day, rare for Scotland, and perfect for a picnic.

“This is Loch Tummel” Jamie pointed out pulling Alister to a stop.

He helped me off the horse and I took a few steps closer to the shore, admiring the view “Jamie this is breathtaking!”

“Aye, it is” his tone was heavy with feeling and out of the corner of my eye I could see he wasn’t exactly looking out into the water. I blushed, turning to face him.

“It is one of my favorite places. Sometimes if I’ve had a rough week, I like to come here, let the breeze soothe my thoughts”.

“I can see why, it feels so peaceful, it’s easy to imagine all your troubles just fading away”.

Jamie tethered Alister to a nearby tree and warned Adso not to wander too far. We settled down on the grass. Jamie lay languorously, propped up on one elbow, his face to me. I sat with my legs crossed in front of me, elbows on my knees.

“So, who taught you how to ride?”

“My mam, the horse business comes from her side of the family and she was pretty much born on a beast.”

I could picture Ellen, her hair flying wild and free. The image made me smile.

“They really like you, ye ken?” It was a statement, but came out as a question. “My family I mean.”

“Not all of them” I retorted, thinking of a certain blonde.

“Ye mean Laoghaire?”

I nodded.

“Pay no attention to her, her affections are misguided and I’m sure she’ll get over it eventually, when she finds a lad who loves her truly. I mean it though, my mam especially; she won’t stop talking about ye. Not that I blame her”

The Frasers had been so kind to me from the start, treating me as one of their own even though I was only their son’s doctor. They welcomed me into the family, even before I could imagine ever becoming a part of it. It was heartwarming to feel so unconditionally accepted.

“Since the first day she hugged me with such tenderness.” I recalled.

“How about your parents? What are they like?”, he asked.

My eyes filled with tears and I bowed my head, pretending to play with a blade of grass. I knew this topic would come out eventually, but I wasn’t prepared for it to hurt so much, still. I guess it was just knowing Jamie’s parents, understanding what they meant to him and seeing what a family could be like, it made the absence of mine so much harder to bear. My parents were a constant thought, permanently on my mind, but there was no one left who had known them, so I almost never talked about them.

It was unsettling how the pain felt so raw still. As the tears spilled out without my permission, I felt Jamie sit up, putting his arms around me. He cradled me, pulling me onto his lap like a child; he stroked my hair softly and murmured soothing words I didn’t understand. We stayed like that for a while, his hands clasped around my waist until the sobs subsided.

“What is wrong mo nighean donn?” he asked, gently tilting my face up to look at him, wiping away my tears with his thumb as I calmed down.

“My parents died when I was five, a car accident”.

“I’m so sorry Claire”, he said, his eyes reflecting some of my pain.

“It’s alright, I really don’t know what brought this on”, I said, trying to regain my composure. It was so long ago I’m not even sure if the memories I have are real or fabrications of my mind from pictures and stories I was told. I was raised by my uncle Lamb, you know? Jumping from one archeological dig to the next, it was the most unusual childhood, but I loved it. He was the only link I had to my parents, being an only child and having no other family. He passed away too, a few years ago.”

Jamie hugged me to him, comforting and calming, dissipating the loneliness I had felt for so long. I had never allowed myself to be so vulnerable with anyone, not even Frank; but Jamie’s presence was so reassuring. For the first time in my life I felt like I could let my soul wide open; in that moment I knew that I would willing put my heart in Jamie’s hands and hold his in my own. He pulled back a little so he could look at my face. “I wish I could have spared ye all this pain”.

I gave him a weak smile, “It’s just life. I like to think I’ve come out stronger out the other end. Of course I wish I’d still have them with me, but I don’t dwell on that, I’ve tried to live my life to the fullest, in part to honor their memory. They always encouraged me to follow my dreams, wherever they might take me. They taught me to be strong and independent. They were both adamant feminists and encouraged me to break the rules, to never let anyone tell me what I could or couldn’t do. They loved that I was curious, dad would read to me about everything and mom would make up mysteries for me to solve. I like to think that they would be proud of the career I’ve chosen and the decisions I`ve made, of the woman I’ve become. More than anything I think they would have wanted me to be happy, that I am sure of.”

“What about friends?”

“I didn’t have many of those either, until now that is. You get used to being alone; I learned to enjoy time with myself. Living with uncle Lamb, we moved around so much, we never stayed anywhere long enough to build lasting relationships. I have fond memories of a lot of people, but no one I’ve kept in touch with over the years”.

“Weren’t you lonely?” he asked sadly. I could see how my life would seem lonely to Jamie, having grown up in such a large family in a tight community, always surrounded by siblings and friends. Growing up in one place gave the chance to build lasting relationships, and I hadn’t really had that opportunity until recently.

I remained silent for a moment, thinking about my answer, while Jamie waited patiently stroking my hand. “I never really thought I was lonely, it was the only life I ever knew. But now that I think about it I suppose it’s the reason I stayed with Frank for so long. I liked the idea of having someone to love, of having a family of my own. Maybe not on a conscious level, but I think I was so afraid of being lonely that I hung on to something that wasn’t working”.

Gently Jamie pulled my face up to look me in the eyes, “I ken what ye mean”.

I looked into his eyes and found that same vulnerability, the willingness and eagerness to bare his soul. “But then I found you”, I said, “and even before knowing you, I just knew that there had to be more.”

Slowly I moved to grab his face and lightly put my lips to his, tracing them with my tongue, tears no longer streaming down my face. He sighed and opened his mouth, in an instant deepening the kiss. I put my arms around his neck, weaving my fingers into the soft red waves of his hair and moving to straddle him. He crushed me to him holding me by the waist, both releasing in that kiss all the want and desire we had been holding for months, watching each other from a distance, neither having the courage to close the gap. The kiss had started out shy on my part, but it became heated. It felt like no one had kissed me before, all the other kisses I had in my life fell absolutely short, they weren’t even in the running. We breathed each other in, tongues dancing a long rehearsed dance that was performed with perfection. It was blissful and magical, sexy and intimate, and everything a first kiss should be, but very rarely is.

We pulled away, out of breath. Our foreheads pressed together, eyes locked, shining bright with a newfound light, a foolish grin on both our faces. We stayed like that for a moment, holding on to each other, reveling in what had just happened.

“Hungry?”, he asked teasingly.

I bit my bottom lip, “Mhm”.

He kissed me again, slow and sensual, and breaking too soon. “Me too… but I meant for food”, he smiled against my lips.

Pulling a little bit away from him I swatted at his arm, laughing, “bloody Scot, so did I.” At that moment my stomach growled, my saving grace if you will. I gave him a pointed look “see?” and got up to fetch the blanket and the basket.

We ate, savoring the food as well as each other’s company. He answered my questions with honesty. It was refreshing and a little disconcerting to be with someone so open, so willing to share his thoughts and dreams. I was a little more guarded by nature, and Frank hadn’t been very demonstrative, our conversations never delved into our deepest feelings and thoughts; but Jamie’s questions were so eager, his eyes always searching, always so attentive, that I found myself opening up as well.

When we finished eating we lay down on the blanket next to each other, hands lightly touching. Staring contentedly at the sky we stayed there without talking well into the afternoon. I was contemplating what this meant, trying to make sense of all my feelings, to understand how his mere presence could bring such peace to my life while igniting all the cells in my body, how just having our hands touching could be grounding and unbelievably exciting at the same time. I felt him move and turning my head found him propped on one elbow, eyes boring into mine. I turned towards him as he sweetly placed his hand on my cheek, and cupping my face bent to kiss me tenderly. It was a tame kiss, slow and patient and full of promise.

Our hands started moving more purposefully and urgently, I pushed Jamie down on the blanket, opening his shirt and biting his lower lip. Jamie flipped me over, pinning me down to the ground kissing me a bit more forcefully. His hand that lay flat on my stomach started moving towards my breasts and I closed my eyes reveling in the moment. Then suddenly a heavy weight fell on me, and I felt a coarse tongue licking my face. I opened my eyes to see Adso playfully wagging his tail as he jumped on us, forcing us to pull away laughing.

“Adso get off! You’re too heavy!” Jamie reprimanded sitting up and rebuttoning his shirt.

I remained on the ground watching him and trying to regain my breath. “Come” Jamie said, standing and extending his hand to help me up and out of the dog’s reach, a sheepish look on his face, “I think it’s time to be heading back to the city.”

After a while back on the horse I was even more aware of Jamie sitting behind me, holding me to his chest with one arm while he maneuvered the reigns with his other hand. The make out sessions had done nothing to quench my thirst, if anything they had left me aching for more, and soon. I now needed Jamie like I needed oxygen to breathe. And if the stiff rod poking me in the back was any indication, Jamie was thinking along the same lines. Teasing him I moved a little further back, wiggling my bum.

He groaned, a sound deep in his throat, “If ye dinna behave Sassenach, this is going to be a very short ride”.

“I was just making myself more comfortable,” I said innocently, scooting further into his chest.

“You keep that up” he whispered in my ear, voice husky “and we’re gonna fall off this horse”.

I giggled nervously as his hand started moving to the hem of my jeans, fingertips just lightly grazing the skin below my bellybutton. My breath hitched and I leaned back into him, squeezing his thigh. Just as his hand was reaching the fringe of my panties the stables came into view, and I hurriedly pulled his hand out of my pants.

He chuckled “Don’t start if ye dinna mean to finish”.

Bastard! He had known perfectly well how far we were from the stables.

“Touché”, I grinned, turning my head to look at him. “But don’t be mistaken Mr. Fraser, I intend to finish”.

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a promise.” I moved my bum slowly one last time, gave him a quick peck on the lips and jumped off the horse.

Jamie gave Alister back to the stable boy and calling Adso behind us we got into the car. On the way back to Edinburgh Jamie caressed my thigh absentmindedly, he seemed content and I couldn’t remember a time I had felt so carefree.

It was early afternoon and the day remained uncharacteristically clear for Edinburgh, so not wanting the day to end I suggested we take a walk around the city; Jamie could show me the sites. “A grand idea Sassenach” he answered glancing my way. We dropped Adso off at his place and headed over to Old Town Edinburgh. Out of the car and without a thought he took my hand in his, it felt so natural the way our hands fit together, there were no awkward first day jitters; this was how it was meant to be all along.

We strolled around the city hand in hand, talking, joking, playing. Jamie had a vast knowledge of the city’s history and he was proud to show me around. “Did ye know that both Alexander Graham Bell (inventor of the telephone), and Arthur Conan Doyle (creator of Sherlock Holmes) were born here in the 1800’s?”

“What a creative and inventive lot you scots are! Any hidden talents I don’t know about Fraser?”

“Many” he smirked, “ye’ll just have to stick around to discover them all”.

“You know what?” I got up on my toes to kiss his cheek, “I think I just might.” We kept on walking immersed in our own little world. The history lesson continued along the way, he told me about celebrations, landmarks and important buildings: “St. Margaret’s Chapel, located within the walls of Edinburgh Castle, is the oldest building in Edinburgh. It was built in memory of Queen Margaret, who is said to have died from a broken heart after the death of her husband”.

“That’s so sad. Do you think it’s possible? To die of a broken heart?”

“I didn’t, before you” he replied softly, then stopping and turning me around to face him “but now, I ken it to be true. The first time I saw ye with Frank, when I thought that meant that you would never be mine, I swear I could feel a piece of my heart breaking”.

I smiled sadly, “I know what you mean… When I saw you kissing Geneva, I had never felt such actual pain in my heart”.

Jamie raised his hand to cup my face and looked straight into my eyes “never again mo nighean donn. Now that I’ve got you with me I’m never letting ye go”. He brought the hands we held together up to his lips and kissed my knuckles with reverence, keeping his eyes on mine.

“I wouldn’t let you”, I breathed. Then, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the intensity of his stare I lowered my eyes “what does it mean, mo nighean donn?”

A bit of red crept up his neck all the way up to the tips of his ears “oh, well it just means my brown haired lass” he said reaching to grab a curl and put it behind my ear.

“James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser, where have you been all my life?” I said, putting my arms around his waist.

“Looking for ye.” He bent down to kiss me, a deep kiss that made my heart beat faster and my knees falter. After a moment, conscious of our surroundings and before I lost all control of myself I pulled away blushing. He gave a short laugh shaking his head and resumed the stories about the city.

We walked by all the famous landmarks, through winding roads and spots that only locals would know. All of a sudden on our way back to the car it started to rain; and we decided to run into the nearest pub, just in time too because I was starving.

It turned out to be a really nice place and we ended up staying there well past my bedtime, listening to live music, drinking, - well I drank, Jamie was the designated driver – and just enjoying our date. By the time we decided to head back home I realized I had had a bit too much to drink. It had been so long since I’d been out to a bar, what with the hospital and all my patients; I suppose I wasn’t used to it anymore. Inebriated on Jamie as well, I dozed off in the car on our way to my place.

“Where are yer keys?” Putting one arm under my knees and the other behind my back Jamie lifted me out of the car. I draped my arm across his shoulders and rested my head on his collarbone. He smelled of whisky and the autumn night air, with undertones of sandalwood and citrus. It was intoxicating. I don’t know how he managed to get us through the door and carry me up to the bedroom. But I remember him laying me down gently on the bed.

I reached up to touch his face, “Stay?”

“Next time.”

I felt a tinge of annoyance, but wasn’t in any state to protest. “Promise?” I asked, already curling up on my side.

“Promise”. He took off my shoes, covered me with a blanket and set a light kiss on my forehead. I barely heard the soft click of the door closing downstairs as I fell into a deep slumber. I woke up the next morning with a massive headache and a silly grin on my face to find some aspirin and a glass of water on my bedside table with a note from Jamie “We’ll have to go out more often Sassenach”.

Well, I couldn’t have made too much a fool of myself if he wanted to go out on the town with me again. I reached for my phone to check the time and already had a couple of messages.

The first one was from Geillis:

**Geillis:**

_I want to know every single dirty detail._

I laughed, of course she went straight to the action. She was still a bit apprehensive about Jamie, but she softened when I told her about our conversation at the hospital and seeing me so excited for our first date. So after a bit of convincing and threats of endless pain if he ever hurt me she finally caved.

**Claire:**

_Nothing to tell, he is a perfect gentleman._

**Geillis:**

_Ye mean to tell me that you spent the whole day out with that gorgeous man and he didn’t touch you? You didn’t make him?_

**Claire:**

_Lol! It’s not like that… We kissed, plenty (never been kissed like that in my life!)_ _J_ _details when I see you! But by the time we made it somewhere where we could you know, take things further, I was a bit too drunk to function._

**Geillis:**

_A gentleman indeed… who knew those still roamed the Earth? I was pretty sure they were extinct. Oh well, there’s always next time._

**Claire:**

_A rare breed they are! Most definitely next time!_

**Geillis:**

_And I’m the horny one! You’re full of surprises Claire. Glad that it was everything you wanted and more, expect all the details tomorrow!!_

The second message was from Jamie:

**Jamie:**

_Good morning Sassenach. Just checking in, making sure ye made it through the night._

As I was starting to write him back, my phone rang. Jamie.

“Hi”.

“Hey, how are ye feeling?”

“Aside from the fact that there’s an elephant sitting on my head, pretty good”.

He laughed, that beautiful laugh. “And here I thought that you could hold your whisky, or so I had been told”.

“Well I’m a bit out of practice. Give me a couple more outings, I’ll drink you under the table”.

“Ha! I’d sure like to see ye try”.

A pause. “Jamie, I didn’t do anything embarrassing did I?”

There was a short silence and a chuckle on the other side of the line “Well… ye did try to take my clothes off. But not to worry, I guarded my virtue”.

I nearly dropped the phone I was so mortified. I remembered asking him to stay, and feeling annoyed at his refusal - I had wanted him for so long now - but I didn’t think I had been so… aggressive.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry Jamie”.

And then he burst out laughing, “I’m teasing you Sassenach, ye were a perfectly behaved drunk English lady”.

“You arse!” I replied, laughing myself.

His tone changed, I could feel the need through the line “I wanted to stay ye ken, verra badly. I just, I don’t think I would have been able to control myself if I’d stayed. And I’d very much prefer for you to be fully conscious when we make love.”

Make love. I swallowed hard. “So you think you’ve got a chance?”

“I sure hope so.”

He had already won the race, and he knew it.


	10. CHAPTER 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! It's taken me forever to get back to this, but I finally made it. The past few months, between work and trying to get things done and then covid-19, I was experiencing some writer's block, my inspiration and time were running low. But I've been feeling better lately, so thought it was time to get back to this story. This chapter was particularly challenging to write, so I beg you to be kind. 
> 
> For those who have asked for more chapters, I'm sorry it's taken so long to update, thank you so much for bearing with me and encouraging me to continue! I still have a few more ideas on where I want this to go and though I can't make any promises I hope to be updating with another chapter soon. In the meantime I really hope you enjoy this one!
> 
> P.S: Not sure the disclaimer is necessary since I asume most of you are still working from home, but just in case... some parts of this chapter are a bit NSFW. Happy reading!

**CHAPTER 10**

“I cannae wait to see ye”.

“Neither can I”.

Ten days and counting since our first and only date, ten days without seeing each other, ten days since our first and last kiss. After our date Jamie had to fly to London to deal with an emergency involving his latest star writer and her new book and I had been working doubles almost every night, covering for a friend. We talked every day; sometimes just a few minutes on the phone, other times I’d look at the clock to realize it was 3am and we’d been video chatting for 5 hours. But it wasn’t nearly enough, Jamie dreams had returned with a vengeance; now that I knew what his lips tasted like I couldn’t wait to know how they would feel on my body and I longed to be in his arms.

Finally, Friday had come along and with it the beginning of my long weekend and Jamie’s return to Edinburgh.

“What time does your flight arrive?”

“In the afternoon, just in time to change and go straight to the gala. Are ye sure ye dinna want me to pick ye up?”

“Certain. You’ll be busy with last minute preparations and I don’t want to be a nuisance.”

“Never. Though ye would certainly be a lovely distraction”

I could feel him attempting to wink through the phone and I laughed. “Either way, no need to come and get me. Focus on your speech and on having everything ready. I’ll see you there”.

“Finally”.

_Ok, Earth to Beuchamp, time to get ready_. I still wasn’t sure about this dress but it was too late to change my mind now. Having been living mostly in scrubs for the last few years I enlisted Geillis’ help the previous weekend in a mission to find the perfect dress. I wanted it to be classy, subdued even and our quest was failing miserably. We had been at it all day and we were both getting very frustrated.

“Ugh! How old are ye Claire?! I swear if ye pick another granny dress I’m gonna leave you here.”

“Well honestly you haven’t been too helpful, everything you’ve picked out is fit to go out clubbing looking like Malibu Barbie, we’re aiming for classy remember? His family is going to be there!” I snapped back.

“Um sorry, if I may be so bold as to make a suggestion?” We stopped to look at the store clerk who had been listening to us bicker for the last 15 minutes and apparently had decided it was time to intervene.

“Please! Maybe you can get her to wear something that wouldn’t be in my Great Aunty Susan’s closet!”

I rolled my eyes at Geillis as I addressed the clerk. “Yes, thank you, we could definitely use some help”.

“Alright then”, he grinned, “you said you’re going to a Gala if I overheard correctly?”

“That’s right”.

“Then I have the perfect dress for you. It just came in yesterday, we only have the one and I do believe you will look gorgeous in it”.

He came back shortly holding a black dress that was anything but subdued. Geillis didn’t even give me a chance to object before she was shoving me into the changing room to try it on.

“Claire, I ken yer used to wearing scrubs and all, but there actually is a smoking body under there. It’s time ye flaunt it!”

“But it’s a charity gala Geillis, not a Grammys red carpet. I don’t know…”

“Come out, let me see…” I stepped reluctantly out of the dressing room. “OMG Claire! Yes! That’s it”.

“You don’t think it’s too much?”

“It’s perfect!”.

* * *

The place was already packed. People had been anticipating the event for a while, specially wanting to see the publishing phenomenon in the flesh. His accident had been all over the news, even outside the publishing world and it gave Jamie more of a fascinating aura; having cheated death and pulling off a miraculous recovery. He had grown accustomed to these types of things but never felt really comfortable being the center of attention, always counting on his friend and PR specialist John to manage the crowds and keep people away from him as much as possible. His strategy was always the same, come in, network for a couple of hours, let himself be seen, a quick speech and an early exit. He wasn’t enjoying the added interest and attention on him today and he was getting nervous because Claire hadn’t arrived yet.

“He’s like a love-struck puppy!” William teased.

“Shut up you idiot”, reprimanded Jenny, “just because no one’s ever looked yer way twice doesna mean we all have to be bitter and lonely all our lives. Dinna fash, Jamie. She’ll be here”.

“I sure hope so”, quipped in John, “you keep talking of this magnificent creature, she sounds too good to be true honestly, I’m starting to think you made her up”.

“Oh, she’s real alright” answered Brian, giving Jamie a light pat on the arm and gesturing with his head.

At that moment they all turned to look at the entrance to where Claire had just stopped to search for something in her purse. Everybody’s jaws dropped and Jamie smiled, his eyes coming alight and his heart beating out of his chest.

She was dressed all in black, with sheer long sleeves and a leather bodice that plunged down to her belly button. Her hair was up in a messy bun, exposing her gorgeous, long neck and just the hint of her breasts. The fabric flowed off her hips, hugging her curves in all the right places, falling all the way to the floor and swaying as she walked down the stairs.

She had made a comment in passing once, about him being unaware of his own magnetism. She thought he didn’t notice the women around him, sometimes desperately trying to get his attention; but he noticed, he knew he was handsome in an obvious kind of way and it made him uncomfortable, so he usually chose to politely ignore the unwanted advances and play the fool. Claire on the other hand; it seemed to him that she really didn’t know; all the time spent in the hospital focused on patient care and her career and then in a relationship with a man who didn’t truly appreciate her. He didn’t think she was unaware of her attractiveness, but she didn’t fully grasp the effect she had on other people, this energy she had around her that made her so captivating, once you were in her presence she was impossible to forget. Now, oblivious to the attention Claire didn’t notice that all eyes were on her, but as he walked towards her Jamie couldn’t help thinking that she was the sexiest, most graceful, most beautiful woman in the room, and he had eyes for no one else.

* * *

I looked up from my purse and his stare pinned me in place, all doubts and fears bout my wardrobe selection forgotten. How I had missed those deep slanted blue eyes. It baffled me how he could make me forget all coherent thoughts just with a simple look, but the way his eyes bore into mine, full of lust and promise and something else I couldn’t quite grasp made me weak at the knees and I had to grab hold of the bannister to avoid falling down the stairs.

He walked to me from across the room, taking my hand just as I reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Ye made it”, he said drawing me in for a hug.

“Of course” I replied, reluctantly pulling away so I could look up at him. “I’m a bit late, I’m sorry. Did you think I wasn’t coming?”

“No, no. I just, I’ve missed ye”.

“I missed you too”, I said, reaching up to give him a light peck on the cheek, acutely aware that we were surrounded by prying eyes.

He smiled and grabbed my hand pulling me behind him. “Come on, my family is very excited to see ye Sassenach, they’ve been asking about ye all night”.

I was really looking forward to seeing the Fraser clan as well. I hadn’t seen them since Jamie’s last day in the hospital and I was happy for the chance to spend some time with the whole clan together again.

Brian had told me about Jamie being kind of a celebrity in the publishing world, but Jamie didn’t make much of it, and so I wasn’t prepared for the extent of it. I knew his publishing house was hosting the gala and Jamie was set to give a speech, so I expected a certain amount of notoriety, but everyone wanted a piece of him. I held on tight to his hand for fear of losing him in the crowd and Jamie did his best to keep on moving only replying with nods and smiles and promising to chat later.

We almost made it to the Frasers before we were stopped by an older gentleman, with no chance of escape.

“James Alexander, it’s been a while”. It was funny to hear someone address Jamie so formally; especially knowing how much he didn’t like it.

“Ned Gowan! Haven’t needed yer services for a while thankfully, hope ye haven’t stopped going around Lallybroch though”. Jamie laughed as he let go of me to warmly shake the man’s hand.

“Indeed. Ungrateful job that I have, clients are happy when they don’t need me. But then ye know I cannae stay away from Mrs. Fitz’s cranachan and shortbread for too long” he replied; then turning to me he bowed “Ned Gowan madam, pleasure to meet ye”.

“Excuse my manners. Claire this is Ned, attorney of law and old family friend. Ned this is Claire”, he hesitated for the briefest instant before continuing, “my girlfriend”.

It caught me by surprise and Jamie’s smirk told me he had seen it on my face before I was able to get my emotions in check. I was trying to process what had just happened while remembering to be polite, so I smiled and extended my free hand; as Jamie had already taken the other one in his again, making soothing circles with his thumb on my palm.

“The pleasure is mine”.

Ned smiled kindly, giving us leave, “well, I won’t entertain you any longer, I ken ye have to make the rounds and such. It was good seeing ye again boy, ye two have a lovely evening”.

We continued along hurriedly through the crowd. It was replaying in my mind, how Jamie had just nonchalantly introduced me as his girlfriend. I was not bothered by it, far from it; the more I thought about it the giddier it made me feel. This man was turning me into a lovesick teenager, but the reality was the he had claimed me in a way, and I could claim him.

“Well aren’t ye a sight for sore eyes!” Brian grabbed me out of Jamie’s reach and brought me into one of his bear hugs, taking me out of my reverie. I hugged him back, and laughed.

“I’m happy to see you too Brian”.

“Let go of her ye fool, yer going to crush her and ruin her dress!” said Ellen as she swatted at his arm. He put me down quite unceremoniously and Ellen moved forward to grab both my hands, taking a step back to look at me.

“Yer lovely Claire, as usual. Warms my heart to see ye again, truly” she said, tears threatening to fall from her eyes and mine.

“Oh mam, so sentimental! Good to see ye Dr.” said Willie, awkwardly patting me on the back and Jenny stepped forward to hug me, “glad that woman didn’t manage to scare ye away. Also, sorry I called ye a coward”.

“Not at all Jenny. If it weren’t for you I never would have given Jamie a chance to explain. Thank you”.

I greeted Ian who offered me a conspiratorial smile and curtly nodded at Laoghaire who as usual was throwing daggers at me with her eyes.

“And where’s Murtagh?”

“Oh, that old man is such a Grinch, he wouldn’t be caught dead in one of these events” answered Jamie.

“He stayed home in Lallybroch with Mrs. Fitz and little Jamie” explained Ellen, “and speaking of Lallybroch, when are you coming over for a visit?”

“Well, someone here hadn’t extended an invitation” I teased, squeezing Jamie’s hand.

“Ye don’t need an invitation!” she said, while looking pointedly at Jamie who looked both ashamed and somewhat annoyed. “Ye can just pop in whenever ye like, in fact, ye don’t even have to bring Jamie”, she continued, half teasing now. “Really, we’ll be happy to have ye”.

“Thank you”, I said, honesty in my voice. Again, this unconditional acceptance, this warmth and openness from the Frasers since day one, it would always make my breath catch. It made me feel loved in a way I hadn’t felt for a very long time. “Next weekend I have off from the hospital I’ll be sure to come over”.

“Perfect! we’ll make a day of it!” replied Ellen excited as Laoghaire abruptly turned on her heel and left.

“Best be careful with that one Claire”, snorted Willie, “she’s been trying to get her claws into Sawny since we were wee bairns, I’d check under my mattress before going to sleep if I were you”.

“Check under my mattress for what?” I asked equally irked and intrigued.

“For nothing. Dinnae pay any attention to her or this idiot for that matter Sassenach”, said Jamie reprimanding Willie and reassuring me at the same time. Then a little under his breath, “She’ll get over it, I hope”.

“Who’ll get over what? Who’s heart have ye broken now Fraser?”

“John”, Jamie turned to look at the man who had just joined us. He was about my height, light blue eyes, handsome with a devilish grin, British like me.

He just seemed to notice me then. “Oh, and you must be the elusive creature Jamie won’t shut up about”, he said extending his hand out to me. Looking sideways at Jamie I could see a bit of red creeping over the tips of his ears.

“Claire”, I replied shaking his hand. “Not really elusive, or a creature though”.

“Please excuse him Claire, he’s a bit of a Neanderthal”, chided Ian. I could tell by their banter that he was another of Jamie’s close friends.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean any offense. I hadn’t met you; I was just starting to think you were a figment of Jamie’s imagination. And since I’m apologizing, I’m also sorry about the whole Geneva debacle”. Ah, so this was the friend who had alerted that woman to Jamie’s condition at the hospital. “In my defense, I had no notion of your existence at the time and I have always found it very hard to say no to the woman, ever since we were children”. At Jamie’s warning look he put his hands up in the air, “not to worry, I have learned my lesson and my lips are sealed”.

“Non taken, and as far a Geneva goes, I’m here so no harm done”. I answered wanting to change the subject.

Taking note of this Ian steered the conversation back to Lallybroch; what we could do when I visited, the views this time of year, the animals that I could see, the stream. Everyone had so many ideas I thought a weekend wouldn’t be nearly enough time. All the while Jamie held my hand in his, not possessive, but like he was scared I might run away if he let go. I caressed him with my thumb trying to comfort him and convey the fact that I wasn’t going anywhere.

After some time John said he needed to steal Jamie away, to which Jamie responded with a pained look on his face and giving me a light kiss on the cheek excused himself and begrudgingly followed his friend disappearing into the crowd.

I stayed with the Frasers, talking and laughing, catching up on what had been going on in our lives for the past weeks. They had always made me feel so welcome, since that first time that Ellen embraced me a the hospital. I felt at ease around them, and not for the first time I felt lucky that in falling for Jamie I had not only gotten an incredibly partner but the chance to become a part of a wonderful family.

People came and went, expressing their thanks and admiration for Jamie and his work with the publishing house and the foundation. After a while an older gentleman asked me to dance and not wanting to offend anyone, especially if that someone could potentially give a lofty donation, I accepted his offer.

Not two minutes into the song I felt a familiar hand at my back and a sexy Scottish burr, “Excuse me, mind if I cut in? I need a word with the lady”.

“Why of course. Milady, it’s been a pleasure”. I curtsied and turned to fall into Jamie’s arms.

“Thought you’d rescue me before I had any ideas to run away with another man?”

“Thought I’d swoop in before anyone thought they might steal you away”. He pulled me close, hands on my waist.

“Silly man, you should know better than that by now”. I put my arms around his neck and he brought his forehead to rest against mine. I closed my eyes, reveling in the warmth of his arms, at the feeling of safety and certainty that this was my place. And even though we were surrounded by people, everything fell away and there was just the two of us.

When I opened my eyes I looked up to find Jamie’s blue eyes boring into mine. Not for the first time, the intensity of his stare made me blush, sending shivers down my spine; but instead of averting my eyes I held his gaze.

“So, we’re a couple are we?”

“Are we not?” A look of concern crossed his features, suddenly uncertain if he had crossed a line.

I moved my hands to hold his face, “Yes, I think we are”. I still felt a little self-conscious kissing him in public so instead I lay my head on his shoulder, hugging him tighter.

We stayed like that for a while, quietly embracing and swaying to the music, immersed in our own little bubble. After some time I felt his hand on my back roaming dangerously low, and my breath hitched for a second before I whispered, “need I remind you that we are in public Mr.Fraser?”

His response came husky and restrained “I am well aware of that Dr. Beauchamp, it is the only thing keeping me from making love to ye right here on the dance floor.”

Then his lips were at my ear, “I can’t wait to get ye out of this dress, this borders on torture ye ken”.

I hummed, anticipating what was to come. I was also being tortured, and I honestly didn’t think that I could or wanted to wait much longer. “Well, we both have promises to keep”.

“Aye” We locked eyes, “after the speech” he said, answering my unspoken question.

His speech was fantastic, Jamie was a born storyteller and even though he claimed that he didn’t like public speaking he looked right at home up on that stage. It was concise, but heartfelt and moving and it was sure to bring in more than a few donations.

When it was done we said our goodbyes, promising I’d come visit Lallybroch very soon and Jamie excusing himself saying he was exhausted from his trip to London.

“Do you think anyone believed you?” I asked laughing as we walked to the car hand in hand.

“Not for a second”, he grinned, “but I honestly couldna care less. Yer place or mine?”

As soon as we walked in I pushed him against the door, kissing him hungrily, taking off his jacket and necktie. I opened his shirt, licking the hollow of his neck. I wanted him now, right then and there. Months of dreams, desire and anticipation were all colliding in this moment and I was at the brink of combustion. He responded with the same urgency, drawing me in for a long kiss while he held me tight against his body.

He pulled away abruptly, leaving me breathless and off balance. At the look of confusion and I’m sure annoyance on my face he moved closer, holding me in a snug embrace.

“I’ve spent so many sleepless nights dreaming about this moment Sassenach, thinking what I would do to you when I had ye here like this. I want to take my time”.

I grabbed his hand and led us to the bedroom. Standing in front of each other we made short work of shoes and stockings and socks. I pulled the pins out of my hair letting it fall wild around my face, and then moved forward to unbuckle his belt. He unzipped his pants letting them fall to the floor. I turned around, asking for help with the buttons on my dress, which ran all the way down my back.

“Christ Sassenach I love how ye look in that dress, but now I want ye out of it.” He started working on the buttons, lightly caressing my back with his fingers, sending chills down my spine. When he was done he bent down to kiss my neck wrapping his arms around my waist. I leaned my head back for a searing kiss, pushing back on him while I wrapped my hand in his auburn curls. I could already feel his arousal against my back, resulting in a familiar and welcome flutter in my stomach and wetness between my legs.

I spun to look at him, taking off my dress, letting it pool around my feet. Left in nothing but my panties I looked up at Jamie’s eyes; they were dark, holding so much want and desire held in check. I was sure he could see right into the deepest parts of my soul and the intensity of his stare felt overwhelming as it burned me from inside. Never taking our eyes off each other Jamie approached me gently, lifting his hand to my breast. He tested the weight of it and I reveled at how perfectly it fit in his palm. We kissed, deep and leisurely.

When it came to his shirt Jamie seemed hesitant, and I realized he was unsure about his scars. My heart broke at the thought that this incredible man before me could think for a minute that I could want him any less because his skin was not perfect anymore. I looked into his eyes searching, asking for permission. He gave an almost imperceptible nod and I unbuttoned his shirt, sliding it off his shoulders. Jamie stood very still as I made my way around to his back. I started from the bottom, at the point right above his buttocks, tracing each scar lightly with my hands and my lips, tenderly kissing his pain away. When I reached the top I put my arms around his chest, one hand over his rapidly beating heart hugging him to me and placing a kiss at the point where his neck meets his shoulder. The wild flutter of his heart echoed my own.

He turned around in my arms and his hands moved down to fondle my bum “Yer arse drives me crazy Sassenach. All night at the gala, all I could think was when I was going to have you like this, alone, naked, being able to touch you, I didn’t think I’d make it through the night”.

“Jamie”, I said reaching to cup his face, “I’ve been waiting so long for this, for you”. And I truly meant it. Without knowing it I had been waiting, ever since he started invading my dreams and probably long before that, not only for this night, to make love to him; but I had been waiting for him, for someone who made me feel like this. For someone who ignited every cell in my body, who anchored me with his touch; for something that felt real and all consuming, unusual and utterly unexplainable.

Our mouths clashed together desperately, a fight of tongues and teeth biting on lips, neither of us able to control our need any longer. With his hands grasping the backs of my thighs he pulled me up, my legs straddling his waist and walked us to the bed. Sitting, one hand on the small of my back, he bent down to take one nipple in his mouth, an involuntary whimper left my lips and I arched my back pushing my breasts closer to his tongue.

He turned us over, laying me on the bed and took my mouth in his. He began placing soft kisses along my jaw, on my neck, across my collarbone, making his way to my breasts, sucking my nipples between his teeth and pulling until I gasped. His hand brushed my belly, tracing the hem of my panties. I shuddered slightly as he linked his fingers into the sides, pulling them down and throwing them to join the pile of clothes on the floor. He opened my legs with his hands, to which I willing acquiesced, gracing my inner thighs, leaving a trail of fire where his fingers touched. I nearly squirmed in anticipation jumping at the sensation when he put his palm over me, applying pressure on my clit.

“God, Claire” he groaned. His voice sultry feeling how ready I was. Jamie was a magician, playing my body first with his fingers and then with his tongue. I grasped the hair at his nape, encouragingly, though it hardly seemed necessary. I was engrossed looking at his head between my legs, feeling the pleasure rock my body, then he lifted his eyes, lust and satisfaction in his stare and I finally shattered, lights exploding behind my eyelids.

As I came down from my high I felt him leave the bed, rummaging for something in his pants. “What are you doing?” I asked, still in a haze. “Come back here”.

“Just a second Sassenach, looking for this”, he said, holding up a condom. I grinned foolishly, I had been so into the moment I had totally forgotten about protection. After Frank’s confession I had taken every test on the book, and I knew Jamie hadn’t been with anyone for a while; so against all my better judgment as a doctor I told him to drop it. “I’m on contraception, I don’t want to use it, unless you want to”.

“Are ye sure?”

“Positive, now get back here” I ordered, propping up on my elbows. As soon as he came back to the bed I took him in my hand, stroking him and pulling him down for a kiss. Jamie moaned into my mouth, “keep this up and I dinnae think I will last verra long”. It was incredibly sexy how his burr got thicker with his arousal, as well as the ides that I could have this effect on him.

He gently pulled my hand off, making me lay flat on the bed and positioned himself between my legs, pushing in very carefully. “Jamie please” I nearly begged. I could feel he was keeping himself in check. “I dinnae want to hurt ye”, he said, restrain clear in his voice. His concern for my wellbeing was endearing, his self-restraint commendable and frustrating. Though I could understand why he would be weary to hurt me; Jamie was a big man, definitely bigger than anyone I’d been with before, I wanted to feel him fully. It would be a lie to say that it wasn’t intimidating, but somehow I knew that we would fit perfectly together.

“You won’t”, I promised, “please”. I wrapped my legs around him bringing him in deeper. I arched my back thrusting my hips forward until he filled me completely. He moved his head back, “Claire” he gasped. We stayed motionless for a second, getting used to the feel of each other, Jamie making certain that it didn’t hurt.

I couldn’t take it any longer. “Move” I demanded, “now”. Jamie started moving, slowly losing control. We got into a delicious rhythm and he started thrusting faster and harder, anticipating my needs. His hands were sliding across my body, touching, rubbing, squeezing. It felt like we were disappearing into each other, we couldn’t get close enough. Raking my nails on his back I felt the pressure building again, starting at my center and radiating to the tips of my fingers. Jamie put his hand under my chin, moving my face to look at him; the look in his eyes, so intimate and fervent pushed me over the edge. Jamie’s release followed soon after and we shuddered in ecstasy as he lowered himself beside me.

He grabbed my hand and I pressed my thumb against his lips. Lost in each other’s eyes we smiled contented, exhausted and utterly satisfied.

I had had sex before; in fact, I was pretty fond of sex, usually satisfying and enjoyable, but sex with Jamie was like nothing I had ever experienced before, and my dreams hadn’t even come close. Previous relationships had always needed time to adjust, to get to know each other. It usually took some guidance to learn what the other person liked, their timing, how they wanted to be touched. With Jamie it was instinctual, like we’d been longtime lovers and he’d known my body forever. The slightest sound or movement was enough for him to know exactly what to do.

I had never felt so connected to anyone before. Sex with Jamie was all consuming, a joining of the souls as well as the bodies. The physicality of it all was mind-blowing, but it was possible because Jamie bared his heart and soul; in that sense he never held back and that gave me the courage to respond in kind, to be vulnerable and lose myself in him.

He slipped out slowly rolling to his side, and we lay in a tangle of limbs, my head on his chest. Sometime during the early hours of the morning we came together again. Lying on our sides we performed a sensual dance, less urgent this time but just as intense, kissing languidly, his fingers freely roaming my skin, exploring every dip and curve. My eyes sought his, boring into them and committing every moment to memory, because though it was happening it was still hard to believe that this beautiful, incredible man had chose me; that we had chosen each other. After, basking in the aftermath I intertwined our fingers, kissing the back of his hand and we fell asleep embraced in each other’s arms, my back snuggled against his chest.

Later, I woke up to Jamie watching me sleep, lazily caressing my arm, leaving a tingling feeling were his fingers had been.

“Good morning” I blushed, moving to lie on my back and look up at this gorgeous, naked, Viking warrior lying in my bed. Again, my imagination had fallen quite short.

“Good morning mo nighean donn”. Jamie bent down to set a light kiss on my lips. “Did ye sleep well?”

I smiled, contented and entirely rested. “I haven’t had such a goodnight’s sleep in a very long time. You?”

“Me too, except for the snoring”.

“I do not snore!” I replied, feigning indignation and swatting playfully at his arm.

“Ye do, a little. But don’t worry, it’s actually verra cute”.

I scoffed. “Impossible, no one can be cute while snoring”.

“Well, ye are”. His fingers moved to caress my stomach and around my breasts. “You’re so lovely, with yer alabaster skin, yer breasts, and that round arse. I could stay here forever, just looking at ye, memorizing your lines with my fingers. I don’t think it’ll ever be enough”.

I pulled him down on me for a long, luscious kiss; closing my eyes and reveling in the fact of his presence. When we pulled apart we stayed silent for a moment, just enjoying each other’s company.

“Can I tell ye something?” he asked quietly.

“Of course”. At his tone I shifted to rest my elbow, turning to face him.

“I heard ye, when I was in the hospital. I felt ye, holding my hand, caressing my face. You pulled me through Claire. I dinna remember the details of what you said, but I remember the cadence of your voice, the peace I felt when ye were with me. The thought that you would be there when I woke up, that there might be the tiniest chance that we could build a life together. That’s what made me fight through the fog”.

I felt my eyes filling with tears. Taking his injured hand I kissed his scars, caressing them with purpose, remembering that fateful day when he came into the hospital, irrevocably altering my life. “I was so afraid you were going to die. Until that day you were just the handsome stranger who visited me in my dreams, but when I saw you on that gurney, you were real, flesh and bone. And this thing between us, I can’t explain it…”

“Neither can I”, he whispered.

“But I already felt it, even back then when I didn’t even know you. I felt somehow tethered to you and I didn’t want to let you go”.

“Ye saved me, ye made me whole again”. The way he said it, he wasn’t only talking about his shattered bones and torn flesh.

“You saved me too”, I said, a tear escaping and running down my cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had been toying with the idea of writing in some Jamie POV for a while. Let me know if you liked this and if you would like to see more of it :)


	11. CHAPTER 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm back, a little later than I wanted but I think I'm getting back into the rythm of things. Thank you so much for every kind and encouraging comment and kudos you've left, they really mean the world and push me to keep on writing! I do have a plan and I hope I can see this story to the end. To the ones that said you'd like to see some more Jamie POV, I'll definitely be adding some more of that in upcoming chapters. This one is mostly fluff and a bit of smut, so as always, hope you enjoy. Happy reading!

**CHAPTER 11**

We spent the rest of the weekend ordering in, cuddling on the sofa, and making love on every surface, unable to keep our hands off each other. At times desperate and hungry, others slow and tender, sometimes teasing or playful; making love to Jamie was always all consuming and shattering. He turned out to be a very considerate and attentive lover, and I soon realized he took as much pleasure in fulfilling his needs as he took in pleasuring me. Jamie liked to watch me while he serviced me with his fingers and tongue, a proud smirk on his face every time I came undone, his eyes boring into my soul never failing to tip me off the edge.

I had never understood the appeal of a lazy Sunday in bed until now. Previously, staying home had been a source of anxiety; I always had to be moving around, doing something. Though I loved sitting down with a good book or to watch a show or documentary, more often than not the house felt stifling and I tried to spend the least amount of time there as possible. Now, just being there alone with Jamie was absolute bliss, now I didn’t ever want to leave. Cocooned in our little bubble the rest of the world fell away, there was just the two of us, and that was all we needed.

As in the beginning, when I held his hand while he slept, probably comforting myself more than him, I needed to feel his skin on mine. Even when not in bed we were always finding ways to touch each other; embracing, his arm around my shoulders, holding hands, my legs on his while he caressed my calves, his head on my lap and my fingers in his hair, my hand on his chest right above his heart. The intensity of it all threatened to overwhelm me, but I pushed that little voice to the back of my mind, deciding to live in the moment and give myself fully to this relationship.

After our first date I hadn’t been ready to talk about my parents. The pain of their memory hit me with so much force that I had not been willing to revisit the subject. Jamie made it so easy to feel safe in being vulnerable that I found myself retelling my childhood stories, especially of my time with Uncle Lamb, jumping from dig to dig, delving into incredible cultures and making fast though not lasting friends. He listened with undivided attention, prompting me to open up. I told him about how my parent’s death cemented my resolve to study medicine and how I hadn’t felt so helpless since the day of their death until the moment he was brought into the hospital. I told him about my patients, the ones that had left an impression on me and about finding a family in Geillis and Joe.

“They have been my rock since I moved here. Joe is like the voice of reason, he has a soothing quality to his personality, I can always count on him to offer a thoughtful answer or a different perspective. You know, he was the one who actually convinced me to give you a chance to explain after that kiss in the hospital”.

“I shudder to think that I was so close to losing you before even having the chance to call you mine”. He squeezed my hand and bent his head for a light kiss. “I’ll have to thank Joe”.

I smiled. “Geillis on the other hand… well if it were up to her I wouldn’t even give you the time of day”.

“So I take it she’s not a fan?”

“No worries, she’s definitely on your team now. She’s just protective, and if there’s something you can count on with her that’s honesty, absolute brutal honesty. So, if someone hurts somebody she loves she’ll just hate them on principle”.

Jamie lowered his gaze to our intertwined hands as we cuddled on the sofa. “I’m so sorry I hurt ye Claire”.

“Water under the bridge, look at us now”, he lifted his eyes to mine, “that’s what matters. I’m glad I decided to listen to you. Jenny was right; I think not giving this a chance would have been my greatest regret”.

“I promise I will do my best never to give you cause to regret this”.

I kissed him, feeling every cell in my body ignite at his touch. “I have a feeling that I won’t”.

In turn, Jamie offered more insight into his family life growing up in Lallybroch. He was honest and forthcoming as he talked about the self-imposed pressure of living up to his parents’ expectations, the fear of disappointing them when he decided to go into publishing instead of sticking with horses or whisky and his utter gratitude at their unending support. It had been clear to me since day one that the Frasers were a close-knit family, their love for each other was palpable and their pride in Jamie certain in their eyes and the way they talked about him. Before even speaking one word to Jamie, I had already fallen in love with him, seeing him through his family’s eyes.

I was curious about his relationship with his siblings, being an only child myself; so he regaled me with stories about Willie and Jenny. Jenny was his confidant, his conscience and sounding board while Willie was his playmate, always coming up with mischief and getting him into trouble. He confessed to sometimes feeling overshadowed by Willie and being shy and insecure for most of his teenage years.

Knowing him now, it was hard to believe that he had ever been anything but confident and self-possessed. He was so inherently charming, not to mention his imposing figure and those slanted blue eyes that I was sure could convince anyone to do his biding.

“You’re telling me that you had an awkward phase? I honestly can’t picture that”.

“I’ll take that as a compliment”. He said in a mocking tone. “Willie was always so comfortable in his skin, he was the sociable one, always surrounded by friends. The house was always full of people, and Willie tried to make me part but I was more comfortable hiding in the study with a book. The thought of approaching a girl riddled me with anxiety until one day I noticed that I didn’t really have to make an effort; which just made me feel more self-conscious. My first kiss was at 16, she was older, a friend of Willie’s. I had gone to the stables to fetch some milk, she basically trapped me against the door making me drop both pails. It took me almost a year to build up the courage to kiss another girl”.

“Hmm”, I moved to straddle him, lust in my eyes, “Well you certainly outgrew that phase, I mean, I barely knew you and yet you constantly invaded my dreams. You were the cause of many a sleepless night”.

His hands moved down to my buttocks, his teeth softly biting my lower lip. “And what about you? I’d bet you’ve left quite a few broken hearts along the way”.

“With my lifestyle it was hard to have any stable relationships, well until Frank at least, but I guess you could say I’ve had my share of boyfriends. I always had a lot of freedom to explore and in many of the cultures I was exposed to sex was a celebration. I learned early on how to pleasure myself and have never felt shame in seeking my sexual satisfaction”.

Jamie’s hands had stopped moving, his mouth was slightly open and he seemed to have fallen in a daze. “Does this bother you? That I’ve had several sexual partners?”

“What?”, he asked coming out of his reverie. “No, of course not. I have my past too and come to think of it, I love how you’re so free and unapologetic about your sexuality”. He was blushing, red creeping to the tips of his ears.

“What is it then?”

“I was imagining you, touching yourself, and I just lost my train of thought”, he replied, somewhat chagrined.

It was my turn to blush and I swallowed. “Well, if you’re good I might even let you watch some day”.

“I would like that verra much”, he said, his burr getting thicker. He grabbed me by my thighs, pulling me in closer.

“Ye ken, after my first time I realized that I always had to be careful, to keep myself in check. I learned to find pleasure in figuring out my partner’s needs, in using other parts of my body to satisfy them”.

“I can guarantee that you have definitely, without a doubt mastered that”. I said while I moved my hand down his chest; I could feel him growing hard under me.

He gave me a smug smile. “I had never been able to really let go, to lose myself in someone else. And then you, you’re so small, I was so afraid to hurt ye. But for the first time I could surrender control, I could just focus on the sensation, on the pleasure of filling you completely without worrying that I would harm you. I also dreamt of you ye ken, but never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this, what it is when I touch you, when I’m inside you”.

By then I had him in my hand, stroking the length of him, reveling in his size and the feel of him in my fist. “I’ve never experienced anything like this before either, not even in my dreams”. I slid to the floor between his legs and took him in my mouth. Jamie let me set the pace with my tongue, his head hanging back, groaning and moaning in encouragement. He trembled under my hands; it was empowering to have this effect on him, to know that I too could bring him to his knees like he did with me.

I felt my arousal building as Jamie came closer to his climax. Suddenly he pulled me by the arms to sit back on his lap. “I want to be inside ye, to feel ye around me”. He suckled my nipple through the fabric of my shirt and I grabbed him to lead him inside me. We moaned in unison as he filled me. “Christ Claire, ye feel so good”. I pulled my shirt over my head to offer free access to my breasts and circled my hips settling into a sensuous rhythm. Jamie sat up, twining his fingers in my hair and before long I felt my muscles tightening around him. With a final thrust Jamie let go and my body exploded after him. We remained embraced recovering our breath, and after a few moments Jamie leaned back into the sofa, bringing me down with him, my head resting on his shoulder.

I opened my eyes and reluctantly disengaged myself, settling in beside Jamie on the sofa. “I really don’t know why we even bother to put on clothes at this point”, I remarked looking around at the various pieces of clothing scattered all over the floor. Jamie chuckled, “aye, ye have a good point there Sassenach”.

He lay down right there on the sofa, pulling me down on top of him. I lazily played with the hairs on his chest thinking of my previous partners, considering the idea that I might never be with anyone else ever again. An idea that in the past might have made me anxious, now was even exciting, somehow I knew that I would never stop wanting Jamie.

“Penny for your thoughts?” he asked sweetly stroking my hair.

“Just thinking of how much I enjoy you, us, this, thinking of the people that came before. I think I understand now why it had never felt quite right, I was waiting for you and I didn’t know it”.

He hugged me tighter and I propped my chin up on his chest to look into his eyes. “I didn’t even know this was possible Claire, to feel this way. I saw my parents, the way they love each other and I craved something like that for myself. But I wasn’t expecting this and I’ll be forever grateful that I found you”, he said, kissing my forehead.

I smiled. “So… what was your first time like? Was it like you imagined?”

“Well”, he hesitated, “no, you’ll laugh at me”.

“I won’t laugh, I promise”.

“Ok, just keep in mind that I was inexperienced and shy and awkward and all that ok? And also a little bit gullible”.

My curiosity was definitely piqued. “Alright”.

“So, I was 17, and there was this girl, a friend of Jenny’s. I’d had a crush on her for a while, she had lived abroad so she seemed worldly and intriguing. I was too afraid to approach her but one night she stayed over and snuck into my room when everyone was asleep. I was startled to see her there, but she was very forward and I didn’t need much convincing. So after a short make out session I kept trying to turn her around, but she refused. I was very confused, you see I thought you had to do it the back way, ye ken, like horses?”

I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I burst out laughing. “I’m sorry, I know I promised, but this is just… my poor lad”, I said cupping his cheek with my hand.

Jamie was laughing too, so much there were tears in his eyes. “After that she had to guide me through the motions, suffice it to say it wasn’t my finest hour. Though it couldn’t have been so terrible for her because she ended up being my first girlfriend. Also, in my defense, the only person I knew that had had sex before was Willie who provided the very erroneous information as a prank”.

I couldn’t stop; I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. “I can’t believe you fell for that!”

“Ye keep making fun Sassenach, see if you’re laughing after I’m done”, he threatened, turning us over in one swift motion so that I lay underneath him.

I woke up late on Sunday, another first for me. Slowly opening my eyes I reached out to the side of the bed where Jamie had been sleeping and found it empty. _“Where have you gone to?”_ I took my time to stretch, an involuntary smile spreading across my face when I heard Jamie’s attempt at humming coming from downstairs. I was learning that there were very few things Jamie wasn’t good at, and singing was top of that list. Lazily I searched around the bedroom floor for something to wear, and throwing on his shirt from the gala I made my way downstairs.

Jamie was so focused making breakfast that he didn’t even notice me coming in and I was glad because he was a sight to behold, butt naked but for my cooking apron. I stood there for a second just enjoying the view, appraising his head of auburn curls, his broad shoulders and the muscles rippling on his back, down to his gorgeous arse. Contemplating how his scars detracted nothing from his sexiness, on the contrary, they were a testament to his resilience and if anything made him even more striking.

"This is the first day of my life”, he sang, “I'm glad I didn't die before I met you”.

Quietly I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist standing on my toes to whisper in his ear, “but now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you and I'd probably be happy".

He turned off the stove and then smiling turned around and hoisted me up on the counter.

“Good morning”.

“Good morning to ye Sassenach”, he said, moving to stand between my legs and set his hands at my sides. “You should always were only this”, he joked looking me up and down.

“Ditto”, I giggled. He bent down for a searing kiss.

“Ye did say there was no point in wearing clothes. Though, this getup might be a bit chilly to go out on the street”.

“Hmm, maybe, I don’t know. Turn around so I can see”, I teased.

His brows went up in a smirk and he started walking backwards; then slowly began to twirl like a miss at a beauty pageant. It was impossible not to laugh at the sight of this big, grown up, ridiculous man in front of me wiggling his bum.

“I love you”. The words came tumbling out my mouth and I finally allowed myself to admit that I really did love Jamie. I had loved him for some time now. I had been scared to say it out loud; the intensity of my feelings for him were so overpowering that it was disconcerting to feel so out of control. But now, finally saying the words felt liberating and I realized that falling in love with Jamie had been inevitable from the start.

Jamie stood in place looking at me, and I knew it before he even said it, I could see it in his eyes and I felt it. Every time he looked at me, in every kiss, and every embrace, when he held my hand or pressed his forehead against my own, I felt it.

“I love you too”. He closed the space between us to hold me in his arms. “I wanted ye since the first moment I saw you, but I loved you that day when you walked into my hospital room giving out orders, and I knew it had been you holding my hand all along. Now I find myself loving you more and more with every passing day; I’ve always known you belong with me Sassenach”.


	12. CHAPTER 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm trying to get as much writing done before I go back home cause I'm guessing things will get crazy and I'm not sure how much writing I'll be able to get in then. I really want to finish this story and I've still got a few chapters to go, so here's chapter 12 :) Not much to say about this one except happy reading! Oh, and again thank you so much for all your kind words of encouragement! Really can't tell you how much it means that you're liking this and actually look forward to conitnue reading.

**CHAPTER 12**

“I want to know everything, and I mean EVERYTHING”.

We were on our lunch break, which by some miracle we’d managed to take at the same time, and I was being given the third degree by Geillis.

I was sure my face said it all, I hadn’t been able to stop smiling all day. I felt like a lust filled, love stricken teenager and my glass face was definitely not doing a good job at concealing it, not that I was trying either. The weekend had been like a dream and I was still walking in a daze. So much had happened, there had been a shift in our relationship and it felt permanent somehow.

“I’m in love”, I confessed. “Jamie is sweet and caring and generous and attentive. The connection we have, I can’t explain how I feel when I’m with him, I’ve never felt this was about anybody”.

“Well duh, it takes one look at ye to know that, and ye ken that’s not what I meant by everything. Now spill! Lie to me even, just to give the rest of us some hope. I mean he cannae be that gorgeous, sensitive and good in bed, that’s plainly unfair”.

I laughed. “Not that it’s any of your business really, and I hate to be burst your bubble, but you know I haven’t exactly led a celibate life. Well, Jamie’s on a league of his own, there’s no point of comparison”.

“Damn! Ok I want details!”

“Ha! I’m not giving you details, you’re on a need to know basis. Suffice it to say that we didn’t leave the house the whole weekend, we barely got any sleep, and my legs feel like Jell-O”.

“That’s just rude. Ye ken I haven’t had any in weeks! I’m trying to live precariously through you, yer being selfish”.

“Nope, sorry, that’s all you get”, I said, putting my arm around her shoulders.

“Fine”, she sulked. “Be that way. Just tell me one thing”.

I raised my eyebrow at her while I took a sip of my now cold coffee, “maybe”.

“Is he… ye ken, well proportioned?” she asked leaning in as if I was telling her a secret.

I nearly spit out the coffee in my mouth. “Very much so”, I answered truthfully after regaining my composure, an involuntary smirk making its way to my lips.

“Fuck”, she slumped on her chair. “He really is the King of Men then”.

“The what?”

“That’s what the nurses call him, the King of Men. Ye ken they’re all smitten with him. The man’s been gone for weeks and he’s still the talk of the town”.

For some reason that made me blush, “I haven’t heard any of that”.

“They wouldna say it around you, they’re not stupid. Well some of them are, but that’s beside the point. Everybody in this hospital down to the patients kens there’s something between you two”, she stated.

I thought about it for a moment, “King of Men”. I supposed he was at that, at least in my book. “Good”, I said, “cause none of them can have him”.

“Wow, easy there tiger”, she teased, putting her hands up. “All joking aside Claire, I’m really happy for ye. You deserve to be happy and even though I wasn’t much of a fan at the beginning I have to admit that you have a glow about ye that I’ve never seen before. It’s good to see ye so in love”. Then in true Geillis fashion she added, “he better not screw this up or I will murder him”.

She said it jokingly, but I knew if anyone ever hurt me I could count on Geillis to have my back. I hugged her. “Thank you, I love you too”.

“If ye really love me”, she said, pulling away, “how about ye introduce me to his brother? I saw him around the hospital, got to say he’s also pretty hot. I wouldn’t mind trying my share of the Fraser clan”.

“Jamie’s brother? Willie?!”

“I suppose. Ye ken, the more slender and somewhat shorter, grey-eyed version of yer man”.

“God no! Trust me, you want nothing to do with William Fraser, he’s a player and a consummate bachelor”.

“Goodie!” She clapped, already a wicked look in her eyes. “A challenge”.

“You’re impossible!” I remarked chuckling. “Come to think of it, you might be perfect for each other”.

“Great!” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, “we can double date”. Then, looking up at the clock she stood hurriedly from her chair. “Oh shit, I’m late for surgery. Dr.Balfour is going to kill me, you coming?”

“No, I still have thirty minutes to kill, I think I’ll wait for Joe”.

“Alright. See you later, really so so happy for ye”. She hugged me again before running off to the operating theatre.

I sat there by myself, replaying the last couple of days in my mind; Jamie introducing me as his girlfriend at the gala, our first night together, every kiss, every touch, our conversations, the passion, the feeling of ease, that unexplainable something between us, our first I love you.

I was so distracted I barely noticed Joe coming up to the table. “Lady Jane”.

“Oh, hey Joe”, I greeted him, coming out of my reverie.

“I don’t even have to ask how your weekend went”, he said, sitting down on the chair opposite me. “I could see your smile from across the cafeteria, and what do you know? There’s even a twinkle in your eye”.

“Don’t tease”, I said, my smile fleeting. “This is serious, I’m in trouble. Do you think we’re moving too fast?”

“I don’t understand, you seemed so happy just now. What do you mean?” he frowned.

“I told him that I love him”. My voice sounded uncertain.

“Well, do you?”

“Of course! I wouldn’t have said it otherwise, you know that. I love him more than I ever thought myself capable of loving, which is precisely what scares me. I was the one who told him I needed to take things slow and then here I am on our very first weekend together blurting out the L word”.

“From what you’ve told me he loves you too”.

“He does”, I nodded.

His brows furrowed. He was probably wondering if I’d lost my mind. “Then why are you scared?”

“I’ve always been so independent, I’ve never really needed anyone but myself. But now with Jamie, sometimes I feel like I wouldn’t be able to breathe without him. He’s constantly on my mind, and when we’re together I throw caution to the wind because it feels so right, I feel it in my bones, I know that this is it, that I will want to be with him until the day I die. It sounds dramatic, I know, but that’s how powerful and all consuming this feels. And then when I’m not with him, the feelings remain. Then sometimes, when I’m going about my day I wonder if it’s too much too soon”.

“Claire look”, he said grabbing my hand, “I don’t think there’s a schedule for this kind of thing, there’s not a set waiting period you have to obey before saying I love you. This is what you’re feeling, so why not just go with it?”

“I know, you’re right. I guess I’m just scared of what might happen if this doesn’t work out. I mean look at what happened with Frank”. Joe gave me an pointed look. “I know Jamie is not Frank, I’m not comparing them. I just mean that we were together for five years and it all ended up going to hell. If I continue on like this with Jamie, speeding away like a runaway train, and then if it doesn’t work out I really don’t think I would survive the crash. And that thought is terrifying”.

“Lady Jane, you’re overthinking. I know this is overwhelming, and I understand it’s frightening to feel something so intense, especially because this is something you can’t control. But for once in your life just let go, stop thinking and just feel. You deserve this kind of unapologetic love Claire; you deserve to be loved purely and wholly. This happiness you’re feeling is long overdue, embrace it”.

I took a deep breath. He was right of course. I had to let go of my fears and just live in the moment. Besides, I knew with every fiber of my being that this was not usual, this was the kind of love that came around only once in a lifetime, and even then only a select few were lucky enough to find it. I would be an absolute fool to fight it. There was no way to do this but to give myself completely, heart and soul; no more fears or doubts.

After our first weekend together Jamie stayed over almost every night, except when I was on call. Even then, sometimes I would come home in the morning after my shift to find Jamie making breakfast, or asleep on the couch waiting for me. As owner and CEO of the publishing house his schedule was very flexible and he tried to work around mine so we could spend as much time together as possible. With any other person this might have felt suffocating, but with Jamie it never felt like too much, sometimes it didn’t even feel like enough.

My schedule on the other hand had been exhausting; I was stuck with weekend shifts, which meant we had to delay our visit to Lallybroch. It was disappointing; I was really looking forward to visiting his family home and to spending time with the Frasers. Since the gala Jenny and I had taken to speaking on the phone and had become quite good friends. I had spoken to Ellen a few times as well, she checked in to see how things were going, she asked about my work and above all expressed her happiness that Jamie and I had found each other. In dating Jamie I had not only found my partner for life, I had gained a family, one that had welcomed me with open arms from day one and I couldn’t be more grateful.

After almost two weeks I finally had a full day off from the hospital. Jamie had back-to-back meetings all day and we were going to meet up for dinner. It had been a difficult few days at work and I was feeling a bit low, so still in my pajamas I settled in on the sofa for a long lazy morning reading my new novel and drinking tea.

At around noon there was a knock on the door and when I opened, there was Jamie standing on my doorstep looking dapper as ever. I jumped on him, hugging him and wrapping my legs around his waist.

“Hello to you too”, he laughed, holding me tight. “I like this welcome, I’ll be sure to show up unannounced more often”. He kissed my forehead and put me down.

“Hi”, I smiled, standing on my tiptoes to lightly kiss his lips. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in a meeting?”

“Yes, I am. But I decided to take the rest of the day off. It’s time for a daytrip Sassenach, so go get dressed and I’ll meet you in the car”.

“Alright. Are you going to tell me where we’re going this time?”

“Ye ken I’m not, I like to surprise you”, he smirked.

“Fine. Will you at least tell me what kind of clothes to wear, you know so I don’t end up swimming in my jeans”, I replied, feigning annoyance.

“Just jeans and a cardigan will do, we’re not going too far, dinna fash”.

About 10 minutes out of the city we parked in front of a small older looking building with stained glass windows and a beautiful thick wooden door. Just standing in front of it, it seemed like we had travelled back in time to the 18th century.

“I don’t really do church Jamie”, I commented, only half joking.

“Well I guess I can live wi that, just dinna tell my mum, I want her to keep liking ye” he grinned, looking at me sideways and nudging me forward. “In any case, this isna a church, at least not anymore.”

As we walked to the doors I noticed a sign that read _Fraser – 1760_. “This place belongs to your family? What is it?”

“Aye. Come in and have a look Sassenach”, he said, opening the door and stepping aside to let me in.

The vaulted ceilings and stained glass windows were all that were left inside of the old church. In the front area the walls were covered by shelves of whisky bottles, the varying tones of amber liquid playing beautifully with the light coming in from the windows. The phrase “Je suis prest” decorated the back wall in elegant black letters.

“I am ready. Our family motto, the Frasers that is. Our ancestors started this business over 250 years ago in Lallybroch. Our largest distillery is still there of course; that is where our main brand is produced. This place is special though, here we make our most exclusive brands and also innovate trying new techniques. I’m working on a new brand I’d like ye te try.”

He led me through the distillery, into the different rooms, explaining the process step by step: malting, mashing, fermentation, distillation and finally the aging room filled floor to ceiling with wooden casks. Towards the back there was a small annex; it was the office and consisted of a beautiful wooden chair and desk which I took to be antiques, on top of which stood neat stacks of papers and a laptop that seemed to be the only element from this century in the room. Against one of the walls was a cabinet with an assortment of bottles with different labels and varied degrees of emptiness. I stood against the desk and Jamie opened the cabinet taking out a bottle without a label. The bottle was clear and the liquid inside had a warm copper-golden hue.

“This one is all my creation. I’ve been working on it for a few months now, hadn’t been able to get the color just right until recently.” A fleeting look sparked in his eyes. “Here, give it a try”, he said, handing me a tulip-shaped glass and pouring a glass for himself.

I took the glass in my hand, examining the liquid within. I swirled it watching the whisky run down the inside and then moved it toward my nose, keeping my mouth open to better appreciate the scent. Finally I put the glass to my lips and took a sip. “Hmm, it’s really good Jamie”.

When I looked up from my glass Jamie was staring at me. “I never thought tasting whisky could look so sexy”. He took the glass from my hands and set it on the cabinet, then, turning to me he took me by the waist and sat me on the desk. “Ye really like it then?” He asked, trapping me between his arms and bending down to kiss my neck.

“I do”, I managed to answer, already flustered. I closed my eyes, trying to compose my breathing. “It’s one of the best I’ve tried, and you know I’ve tried my share of whiskys”.

“Mmm”, he hummed against my collarbone.

“You know”, I continued, my breath becoming more erratic by the second. “I wonder why you decided on publishing when it’s clear that you love horses and whisky, you could have just taken up any of your family’s businesses”.

That made him pause briefly. “I will always be involved in my family’s endeavors, to carry on our family legacy. But I wanted to make it on my own, make a name for myself; and publishing was just the thing for me”. He got back to his ministrations, moving ever so slowly lower and lower.

“I’ve decided on a name for this new brand, ye want to ken what it is?” By this moment his hands were moving up my thighs reaching for the hem of my jeans while his lips brushed the top of my breasts through the fabric of my shirt.

“Mhm”, I sighed, leaning my head back in anticipation.

“Sassenach Spirits”.

He said it so casually and I was so lost in his touch that I almost missed the implications of what he’d said. This whisky was for me, about me. Who knew how long it had taken him to perfect the formula, how many hours he’d spent working on this? Every time I thought I was impossible to love him more, Jamie did or said something to prove me wrong.

As I realized this, he had continued on, not missing a beat. Concentrated on the task at hand he had unbuttoned my jeans and his hands were reaching up under my shirt. I opened my eyes, extremely touched by his gesture, and to my horror noticed that the alcove was shaped like a cross.

“Wait, stop”, I cried, hurriedly jumping up from the table and zipping up my pants.

Jamie stepped back utterly confused. “Why, what happened?”

“I know this is not a church anymore, but still, it feels weirdly inappropriate”.

Jamie burst out laughing. “Really? You, the self-proclaimed non-believer are not feeling the vibe here?”

“Hey, no judging!” I retorted, “I know it’s silly ok, I just, it feels wrong”.

Wiping the tears from his eyes he went to put the bottle away. “Ok, fine, let’s get going then cause I intend to finish what I started”.

I moved closer to grab his hands. “Also”, I said, looking into his eyes, “thank you, you are truly amazing and I really don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you”. I closed the gap trying to convey my feelings with a long, tender kiss.

“What can I say Sassenach? Yer my muse”, he grinned lovingly.

He finished tidying up and grabbing me by the hand rushed me outside. We got in the car and headed back to Edinburgh where we proceeded to spend the rest of the day in bed.


	13. CHAPTER 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing much to say about this one except that it turned out to be longer than planned so I'll probably not be able to post the next one until next week at the earliest. As always thank you all for tuning in and for your encouragement <3 Without further ado, happy reading!

**CHAPTER 13**

I woke up to Jamie lazily fondling my breast, delicately caressing it and cupping it in his palm. Still a little sleepy, I lifted my arms, turning towards him to offer better access.

“Will it ever stop, the wanting you?” he asked while brushing his fingers on my collarbone and leaning down for a kiss. “I cannot see you and not want you, or be around you and not want to touch you, Even when yer not around, yer constantly on my mind”.

It had been a little over three months since our first date and the novelty of our relationship had not fizzled out. Quite the contrary, our need for each other seemed to intensify with every passing day. In the last few months Jamie had become my rock, my safe place. We could talk about anything; it was refreshing to be able to be so open and unapologetically myself. He was patient and understanding about my work schedule, and always listened enthusiastically to my hospital stories even though he probably didn’t understand half of it. I found myself happily immersed in the worlds of whisky and horses; I felt so proud of Jamie’s accomplishments and he had taken to asking my opinion about new manuscripts that came to the publishing house. We would stay up late reading, just relaxing in each other’s company. And we laughed; Jamie’s view on life was so positive it tinted mine with a different light.

“Hmmm”, I purred as he flicked a nipple with his thumb. “I sure hope not. You tell me”.

He paused, thinking about it for a second. Then seeming to have made up his mind, “I don’t see how it could”, he said before lowering his mouth to my breast and sucking the nipple between his teeth.

I shuddered with pleasure, feeling the pull radiate all the way down to the little nub between my thighs. Jamie set an infuriating pace, unhurriedly fucking me with his fingers and tongue, watching mesmerized as he made me come time and again.

“Jamie”, I begged, not for the first time, “I want you inside me”.

He finally heeded my plea and we came together, moving in unison until we exploded once again in a toe curling final orgasm. With stars behind my eyes and Jamie still inside me I smiled languorously. “I think you’re right. I really don’t see how I could ever tire of this. Don’t know how I’ll manage to go into work today, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stay on my feet after this. You keep this up and I’ll want you around forever”, I teased looking up at him.

He was smiling too, a look somewhere between pride and smugness. “That is good to know Sassenach, I do try ye ken”. He kissed me lightly and stood from the bed, putting on his boxer shorts. “I’ll draw ye a bath, what do you want for breakfast?”

I just stared lovingly at him for a second, dumbfounded by the miracle of his mere existence and impossibly grateful at the fact that we had managed to find each other. In our time together Jamie had turned out to be a hopeless romantic. I was practical by nature and didn’t really feel comfortable with grand gestures, but with Jamie it was all in the details. He would come home with a single flower just because, he was the type to make me breakfast in bed, leave silly and corny post-its on the mirror, surprise me with a weekend getaway, and stock the fridge with my favorite food. Jamie always put my needs in the forefront, a development I was still trying to wrap my head around. I was usually the one to take care of others; this was new and a bit disconcerting. All reservations aside, I wasn’t so stupid as to not understand that it was very special, that Jamie was one of a kind.

“Whatever you want”, I replied after a moment, coming out of my trance.

“French toast it is!”, he said, and went into the bathroom to fill the tub.

“ _You really are the King of Men Jamie Fraser_ ”, I thought, listening to the water running.

* * *

That night when I came home from the hospital Jamie had made dinner. “Yer favorite”.

“It smells wonderful darling, thank you”. I greeted him with a kiss and then lingered in the comfort of his arms, laying my head on his chest.

“Tired?”

“A bit, the surgery went great but it ran a little long. Didn’t have time for a proper lunch either, I’m starving” I answered, bending down to take off my shoes, leaving them near the entrance. “How was your day?”

“Come and sit down then, I just need to take the bread out of the oven”. Jamie went into the kitchen to bring the rest of the food and I sat down at the table to pour us some wine.

“My day was great”, I could hear the smile in his voice. “We secured a great new talent today. Remember that manuscript I gave you to read last week?”

“The one I loved about the time-travelling nurse?”

“That one! I really think she’ll be the next big thing in the YA fantasy world. I’ve got a good feeling about this one, she’s got a unique voice”.

“Jamie that’s fantastic! Her characters just jump off the page, flawed and human, and the plot kept me glued to the book”.

“Yes! Her world building needs a bit of work, but all in all I think this one will be a definite hit”.

He came out with the bread and joined me at the table. I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. “I’m so excited and happy for you Jamie, this is a big deal”.

“It really is”, he beamed. “Thank ye mo nighean donn”, he said taking my hand and putting it lightly to his lips.

“This calls for a toast”. I lifted my glass, “to you darling, to a very successful new deal. May you always continue to find this kind of joy in your work”.

Jamie picked up his glass, clinking it against mine. “Slàinte”.

“Cheers”, I smiled, taking a sip of the wine. “Mmm, I like this one. Is it new?”

“Yes, cousin Jared sent it from France. It arrived this week at the office; he keeps trying to convince us to expand to imports. He thinks he’ll entice us with wine”.

“Well then, I say keep playing hard to get”, I said taking another sip and digging into the pasta.

“Poor cousin Jared, but our hands are pretty full at the moment. The horses already take up so much time as it is, I believe Jenny will need to hire more help soon. I certainly don’t think I can take on another venture. It’s not a bad business idea, and it wouldn’t be hard to add wine to our distribution chain, but now is not the moment, maybe in a few year’s time”.

“But what about Willie? I mean, he is completely dedicated to the whisky business is he not?”

“Yes, but we have a couple of new brands coming out. That requires a lot of planning and time, and those are still only in the packaging stage, still figuring out the bottle design and so on. On top of managing the regular business, he’s got enough on his plate as it is, even with my Da still being quite involved”.

I couldn’t put the fork down; Jamie had really outdone himself this time. “Hmm this is absolutely glorious Jamie”. He grinned, satisfied. “I suppose you’re right”, then remembering my conversation with Geillis, “oh! Speaking of Willie, I forgot to tell you”, I said conspiratorially. “Guess who asked me to set them up on a date?”

“If it’s who I think it is, then that’s a recipe for disaster”.

“That’s what I thought too, at first”. I took another bite, “but then I mulled over it, and I think they might actually be a great fit”.

He shook his head, no. “I’ve seen it too many times Claire, you don’t want that for Geillis. I love my brother but he’s just gonna break her heart”.

“Geillis is a big girl, she’s been known to tame a wild boy or two”.

“Well she’s certainly his type”. He laughed, relenting. “I cannae imagine Willie settling down, getting married. That would be a miracle in and of itself!” he mused.

I frowned. “Hold your horses there, nobody is talking about marriage. I don’t even know if Geillis wants to get married anyways”.

“Doesn’t she? Eventually?” he asked matter-of-factly.

“Well does anyone really anymore?” I asked, not really joking.

“I do”, he answered, not a question in his mind. Then he lifted his eyes to look at me, piercing my soul. “Ye don’t, I mean, would ye marry me Claire?”

I nearly choked on my pasta and at the look of utter despair and terror on my face he continued hurriedly, “not now, God, I ken it’s too soon. I meant in the future. I’m not proposing now”. A quick smile, trying to diffuse the sudden tension in the room, “give me more credit. This would be quite a shit proposal. But someday, would ye marry me?”

I lowered my eyes, buying some time. This was going south, fast. How could I explain this to Jamie without it blowing up in my face? We had never talked about this before, I knew he was religious and I figured he was probably the marrying type but I’d thought we’d have more time to know each other before marriage came up. I had hoped it would be a casual conversation, not specifically about us and our future; but more an abstract discussion of the concept of marriage. Now I was trapped, there was not getting around it.

I took a deep breath, preparing to rip off the plaster. “No”, I answered without hesitation.

Dejection clouded his eyes.

“I did warn you I don’t do churches Jamie”, I added, foolishly trying to lighten the mood.

“Yes”, he gave me a pained smile. “I suppose ye did”.

I grabbed his hand, trying to soothe him as much as myself. Touching had always grounded us, calmed us, and I hoped against hope that it would soften the blow, “Jamie this has nothing to do with you, with us”.

“How do ye figure that Claire?” I grimaced at his tone.

“I don’t believe in marriage alright? I’ve never wanted to get married; it’s just not something I’ve ever dreamt about. But it has nothing to do with my commitment to our relationship; I’m in 100%. I don’t need a piece of paper to validate our commitment for each other or some priest to confirm that what I feel for you is real and lasting. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love and I want to be with you. Please don’t doubt that Jamie”. I pleaded.

“That doesn’t make sense to me Claire. I ken without a doubt that you are the love of my life, I want to be with ye forever”.

“I want that too”.

“Yet yer telling me that ye will never want to marry me”. The sadness in his voice pierced right through me. How could I make him understand? I was dreading this, I had hoped I’d never to have to tell him, but now it seemed I didn’t have a choice.

“Look, I’ve been engaged before, once. And that was an absolute debacle”.

“To Frank?” he asked in disbelief.

“Yes. I’m not telling you this to hurt you Jamie, but I need you to understand. I did it because we’d been together for so long, he asked and I felt pressured. It seemed like the next step, so I said yes. This was in London, before I came to Edinburgh; and clearly and thankfully it didn’t work out. After that I promised not do anything out of societal pressure, ever again. I have to be true to myself Jamie. Marriage is just not something I ever see myself doing. I don’t think we need to get married in order to feel safe in each other, to somehow verify our connection”.

A while passed in absolute silence; the tension in the room so palpable you could have cut it with a knife. It may have been just minutes or seconds but it felt like hours. Then, almost a whisper, “alright”, was all he said. He remained sitting quietly for a second, and abruptly as if forced into motion he started clearing the plates. I put my hand on his arm. “Stop, look at me”.

He stood there, the plates in his hands and looked at me, pain clear in his eyes. It broke me; I hated to do this to him. But I couldn’t lie, I couldn’t tell him that I wanted to get married when nothing could be farther from the truth. I hoped this wasn’t a deal breaker; I had to trust that what we felt for each other was stronger than some stupid paper or a ridiculously expensive ceremony full of people we didn’t even know. “I love you, please don’t doubt that”.

“I don’t”, he replied looking away. “It’s just a lot to take in Claire and we’re gonna be late, we should get going”. He went into the kitchen while I sat there, pushing down the waves of panic threatening to drown me. Was this it? It couldn’t be. I breathed, trying to calm myself down and decided to give him some space. I could understand this was difficult for him; Jamie wanted to get married as much as I didn’t. Maybe I was being selfish, but I couldn’t lie to him. Since the beginning we had promised each other honesty above all; I couldn’t pretend marriage was something I wanted, not even for Jamie. I figured it was best to just drop the topic for now, go out and try to enjoy our night.

We went to see The Wedding Singer Musical at the Edinburgh Playhouse. The irony was not lost on me, but we’d had the tickets for a long time and Jamie insisted it was fine and he wanted to go see the show as planned. After the play we were supposed to meet up with Geillis and a few of our friends from the hospital.

“We don’t have to go you know, we could just go home, talk about this?”

“I don’t think there’s much more to talk about Claire, you’ve made it very clear where you stand”. He wasn’t being petulant; on the contrary, he sounded defeated. Still, he debated whether to stay out or go home. He took a deep breath before making up his mind. “Let’s just go to the pub”.

He was distant and distracted all night; even Louise and Mary who didn’t know him all that well could tell there was something wrong. He still held my hand and put his arm around my waist, but his usual positive demeanor was toned down, the warmth that he emanated felt dampened. He didn’t engage in the conversation and it was clear his mind was somewhere else.

“Jamie?”

He turned to me, startled, as if he had woken up in an unknown place. “Are you alright?

“Yes. I’m just tired and I think I’m getting a headache”, he answered, rubbing his temples. “Would you mind if I went home?”

I was having none of that; something told me that if we were going to get through this argument, I couldn’t let him go, not like this. “I’ll come with you”.

“Ye don’t have to, really, we can talk tomorrow. Stay with your friends”, he said, his voice soft, subdued.

“No, I’m tired too. I’m ready to go home”, I insisted.

We stood and said our goodbyes. Geillis looked at me, a question in her eyes “is everything alright?” I shook my head no. She hugged me, “good luck babe, call me if you need me”. “I will, thanks”. I grabbed my purse and followed Jamie to fetch our coats. While we were waiting he grabbed my hand absentmindedly stroking my knuckles with his thumb.

This gesture emboldened me. “Jamie, are we alright? Are we going to be ok?” His eyes bored into mine, full of sadness, and resolve, and love.

He stayed silent for a moment or two just looking into my eyes. “I love you Claire. I just need some time to come to terms. I had imagined our future a certain way and now I just need to make peace with the fact that things are going to be different. But yes, we’re ok Sassenach”.

Flooded with relief I put my arms around him, tears streaming down my face.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you Jamie, I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want”.

“Dinna fash Claire”, he said stepping back to wipe my tears away with his thumb. “Hey”, he put him finger under my chin, lifting my face to look at him. “You are what I want, as long as yer with me I don’t really care for the rest. I just want us to figure out what the future will look like for us, together”.

“I want that too”.

He was still hurt, it would take some time for us to develop a new vision of our future; one that made us both happy, one in which neither of us felt that we were compromising our integrity to please the other person. I couldn’t help feeling a little guilty and even selfish, knowing what this meant to Jamie, asking him to give up on that dream. But I would make it up to him somehow, I would find a way.

Carrying our coats in his arms Jamie took my hand in his and started leading me through the crowd.

I heard him, just when we were reaching the door. “Claire?” His voice like nails on a chalkboard, my stomach dropped to the floor. Why after all this time? Why here and why the fuck now, this night?

I ignored him and tried to rush out the door. I had almost made it when he grabbed my arm viciously and forced me to turn around and let go of Jamie’s hand.

“I thought it was you. Were you going to leave without saying hello? I remembered you having better manners than that”. He was drunk.

“Hello Frank”, I retorted dryly. He looked old, worn out. His clothes sagged and he smelled like the bottom of a bottle. What I had ever seen in him was beyond me. “This is not your kind of place, what are you doing here?”

“Oh, just getting acquainted with some new friends”, he said pointing towards a group of female students almost young enough to be his daughters. I gagged in my mouth, how had I ever even considered marrying this sad excuse for a man? How had I deluded myself into thinking that I loved him? I was hit by a sudden rush of pity, for me, for how lonely I must have felt to remain in that relationship for so long; but mostly for him. I could now see how pathetic and sad he was, and would be eternally grateful that I had opened my eyes on time.

Confused, Jamie had turned to look for me and stopped short at the sight of Frank.

“Sassenach, what’s going on?” I just looked at him, incredulity in my stare, then briefly closed my eyes and almost imperceptibly shook my head both conveying annoyance and a silent plea for him to stay out of it.

“Sassenach!” Frank exclaimed mockingly. “That’s not a very endearing term”, he cackled. “This the poor idiot you left me for? Must not be very fond of you if he calls you that”.

“I left you because I didn’t love you, because I realized I never had and I didn’t want to live in a lie anymore. Oh, and you also cheated on me with God knows how many women, so there’s that as well”.

“Oh, come on Claire, you can’t throw that at me. There’s no one to blame for my indiscretions but you and you know it. You can drop the act, people will think you actually cared!” he scoffed, swaying a bit to the side.

I was not in the mood for this and really didn’t need or want to put up with any more of his bullshit, especially not tonight. I had forgotten how impertinent he became when he drank and I had no patience for him anymore.

“Don’t delude yourself. I don’t owe you anything Frank”. I turned on my heel, grabbed Jamie’s arm and pushed our way through the people standing at the door. To my dismay he followed us out into the cold December air.

“That’s it?!” he yelled, standing in our way. “Just months ago you were going to marry me and now you’re prancing around town with someone else?”

“Ye better stop mate”, Jamie warned him, taking a step forward.

Jamie was seething and he seemed ready for a fight. The last thing I needed tonight was a squabble between my boyfriend and my ex. Besides, it wouldn’t be a fair fight; not only was Frank drunk, but though he was tall Jamie still towered over him and he was quite scrawny where Jamie was built like a warrior. He would kill him. I put a hand on his chest, holding him back. “Let me handle this Jamie, please. I know how to deal with him”.

Unconvinced, he stayed behind me, fists clenched at his sides.

“Well she’s got you whipped, hasn’t she?” Frank taunted. Jamie just stared at him furiously. “Did she tell you I’ve been calling her?” he continued. Shit, I hadn’t. I didn’t dare look at Jamie, but I could feel the anger rolling off him like waves. “Not to worry, she barely ever answers my calls. I’ve been by the hospital a few times too. She gets the nurses to lie for her, apparently too busy for me, like always”, he slurred. “Does she also stand you up all the time for her precious patients?” He looked Jamie up and down, seizing him up. Maybe not. I suppose she lets you touch her, for now at least. Always a fiery one in bed this one; until she’s not. She gives good head; that I will say. Don’t get too comfortable though, she’ll get bored of you eventually”. He laughed sardonically, pointing his finger at Jamie.

Jamie remained silent, keeping himself in check at my request, but if looks could kill Frank would be long dead. I could see Jamie’s fuse was getting shorter by the second and he was about to blow. This was Frank’s way, always taunting you with his words, pushing your buttons to get a reaction. He couldn’t get to me anymore; I was immune to him by now, so he was trying to make Jamie jealous. I knew that was all he was capable of, nasty, toxic words; but I’d heard enough and I’d been as patient as I was going to be.

Taking Jamie’s silence for weakness he rambled on. “You picked a nice package this time Claire, probably not a light up in the attic hey?”

I addressed him with as much calm as I could muster, my tone level and firm but dripping disdain. “Let me make something very clear to you Frank”, I said stepping a little closer to him. “I love Jamie like I’ve never loved anyone in my life. I don’t know what you wanted out of this little show, but you’re not getting it from me. We’ve been over for a long time, you need to deal with it and move on. So far I’ve tried to be understanding and polite but now you’ve gone too far. I don’t want to see you or hear from you ever again. One more message, one more phone call, one more visit to the hospital and I’m going to the police”.

“You never loved me, I bet you don’t even love this one either, much as you’re trying to convince him otherwise. You’re still the same coldhearted little bitch!” he screamed.

Before I could stop him Jamie had already punched him, knocking him to the ground. “What the hell Jamie? Are you crazy? Jesus! Can’t you see he’s drunk out of his mind?” I admit I also felt the urge to punch him, hard, but violence was not the way and I had asked Jamie to leave me to it. Jamie just stared at me, no doubt dumbfounded at my reaction and grinding his teeth he stepped back.

I knelt to check on Frank, he was bleeding profusely and his nose was probably broken. Frank just sat there, laughing like a mad man. I remembered he always carried a handkerchief in his pocket; I took it out, pushed his head back and pressed it against his nose. “Here, keep pressing hard” I instructed, grabbing his hand and setting it on his face. Standing, I took out my phone and called a cab to take him home.

Braving a look at Jamie I told him he could go; I was ready for the night to be over, I didn’t think I had much fight left in me. “I’ll take ye home”, he replied without so much as a glance my way. Ever the gentleman he wasn’t going to let me go home by myself at that time, no matter how things were between us. He was furious, but I was angry too and somehow his refusal to leave me there made me even angrier. “Fine”.

Nobody talked while we waited; still on the floor Frank occasionally whimpered in pain and Jamie and I stood next to each other looking out at the street. When the cab came around Jamie reluctantly helped Frank up, or rather forced him to stand and nearly shoved him inside. I gave the address to the driver and instructed Frank on what to do about his nose when he got home, though I doubted he would be able to do anything more than collapse on the sofa. “If the bleeding doesn’t stop, you get a very bad headache for more than a day or you start vomiting, you should go to the doctor. Otherwise it will heal on it’s own. It will be bruised and swollen for a few days”. He tried to grab my hand on the windowsill; I recoiled, disgusted. “Don’t read into this Frank. This is nothing more than me fulfilling my oath as a doctor. I meant what I told you. This ends here and now”. With that I stepped back from the curve to let the cab take off and turned to Jamie. “Let’s go then”.

The ride home was excruciatingly silent. We were both still fuming, Jamie stared straight ahead, concentrating too hard on the road and I pretended to look out the window while stealing sideway glances at him. The muscles in his shoulders and arms were still taut, prepared for round two. He kept flexing his hand, the knuckles were already swollen and I could tell he was starting to feel it now that the adrenaline was gone.

“Come inside so I can take a look at your hand”, I said when he parked in front of my house, my way of extending an olive branch.

He wasn’t going to take it. “It’s fine, it’s healed from worse before”.

“I’m sure. Still”. I gave him a pointed look and finally he relented. We went inside, the energy between us charged, but in a different way, like now we were afraid to be around each other. “Sit down while I fetch the first-aid kit”, I directed faintly, indicating the couch.

I took his hand carefully in mine and started cleaning the blood from his knuckles. The feeling of his skin on mine still seared me from inside, but neither of us dared look at the other. I breathed, willing my heart to slow down. The solution stung, and he complained trying to pull his hand away. I held on to it forcefully; I wasn’t ready to let go, though I pretended it was because I wasn’t finished with the healing.

“Well you shouldn’t have hit him in the first place, I told you I had it under control”, I reprimanded, now moving his fingers, checking for any broken bones.

He scoffed. “Clearly”.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, wrapping the bandage a bit too tightly around his hand. He grimaced. “Sorry”, I said, a bit chagrined.

He started saying something but apparently thought better of it, then changed his mind again. “How do ye think this makes me feel Claire? Knowing ye were willing to marry this arsehole who cheated on ye, who mistreated ye. Knowing that you’re still in contact with him after everything that happened, after everything that’s happened with us!”

“Oh my God Jamie! Is this about me not wanting to get married? Is it because I said I don’t want to marry you or because I was going to marry someone else? I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry I cannot give you what you want, I’m sorry I was engaged to another man. I’ve put myself through hell enough because of that decision; I don’t need you holding it over my head every time we have an argument. If this is not something that you’ll be able to let go I need you to tell me right now”.

“For Christ’s sake Claire, I already told ye, it doesn’t matter. I won’t say that it doesn’t hurt to ken that you would marry him and not me and I do wish things were different. Regardless, I can try to understand and I can respect your decision. The most important thing for me is to be with ye, in the end I dinna really care how, as long as we’re together. But then you get angry at me, not at the bastard insulting you and worse; to learn not from you, but from him, that he’s been calling ye and coming over to the hospital?! I thought there weren’t supposed to be any secrets between us. What did he want? Tell me the truth”.

I wasn’t sure why I had gotten so angry with Jamie; he was right, my anger was misplaced. Still, it made me furious that he didn’t trust me enough to take care of the situation, that his way of solving the problem had been to punch Frank. I hated that misogynistic crap, the way that men always resorted to violence. I had to admit he ad a point though; I didn’t know why I had decided to keep this from Jamie. It was probably the same thing that had brought us to this point in the first place, my need to prove to myself and others that I could handle things on my own. Others would see it as an inability to ask for help; either way I had failed to see that now this concerned Jamie as much as me and had decided to deal with it alone, never thinking that Jamie would find out or that he needed to know.

I finished bandaging his hand and reluctaly let go of it. “I’m sorry, I should have told you, you’re right. At the beginning he just wanted to talk, he asked where things had gone wrong. He seemed contrite and after five years of relationship, even though I didn’t owe him anything I saw no harm in answering his call. Then he started getting more intense, begging me to take him back, but I figured he’d eventually take the hint. Perseverance is not exactly one of his qualities and I thought that with time he would get tired and leave me alone. I never meant for you to find out this way. I suppose I thought eventually it would blow over and I didn’t see the need to upset you”.

“It seems like you didn’t intend for me to find out at all”, there was a new sort of pain in his voice. He felt betrayed, I knew because that’s what I would have felt had the tables been turned. “Upset me? Claire, he was stalking you! What if he’d taken it further, what if he’d actually done something to you?”

He had a right to be angry, I accepted it was wrong of me not to tell him, but this was too much. I knew what Frank was capable of and I was more than able to handle him. “I know Frank, he wouldn’t dare do anything. He’s all talk, nothing more. He was just upset about how things ended. He’s a proud man and he couldn’t handle me being the one to end things when he’d figured he’d always have me at his side. He thought I’d come running back to him when he called and it angered him when I rejected him once again. But he’s just a moron with a bruised ego. It still didn’t give you the right to punch him”.

“Oh this is grand Claire, defend him now! He did hurt ye, that’s my point. And now you take his side, when he was harassing ye?!”. Jamie stood up from the couch, putting more distance between us.

I stayed put, but I was trembling, unable to look him in the eye. “I’m not defending him, I’m plainly stating the facts. And regardless of my past with Frank, you should have stayed out of it. I asked you to step away, to let me deal with it. I’m not some damsel in distress Jamie; but no, you just couldn’t help yourself could you?”

“What did you expect me to do? I couldn’t just stand there idly while he insulted you, saying all those crude things about ye and screaming at your face. What kind of man would that make me?”

I couldn’t take it any longer; I stood up putting my hands to my head, exasperated. “Ugh! This is not the seventeenth century Jamie, my honor is not something for you to defend! I don’t need, or want for that matter, a knight in shining armor!”

Jamie looked at me, fire in his eyes and reached for me, holding me by my arms. “Yer mine Claire, and I will not allow anyone to harm ye or insult ye”.

You’re mine? What the hell was that supposed to mean?! This was a side of Jamie I’d never seen and I didn’t think I liked it. I pushed him back, freeing myself from his hold. “I’m yours?! Do you even hear yourself, I’m yours?! God Jamie”.

“Yes, mine, as I am yours”, he said through gritted teeth.

“So is that it then? You just hate the thought of someone else having touched me. It hurts your fragile man ego to think of someone else having had a claim on me. I am a person Jamie! Not a thing to own and posses. I have agency and make my own decisions, and I can very damn well fight my own battles!”

“Don’t ye think I ken that?!” By that point we were both yelling at each other, anger and fear in our voices. We stared each other down, breathing hard.

“I will not be treated as a commodity Jamie”, I warned, seething.

At that moment all the fight and rage seemed to leave him and he looked at me; pain and regret clear on his face. “I didn’t mean it like that, I would never think that”. His shoulders slumped, deflated. He walked to the foyer, and put on his coat. “I think I’ll sleep at my place tonight”.

How had everything gone so wrong, so fast? How could this amazing day have ended in such a mess? Our perfect bubble had turned out to be made of glass and it had burst into a million pieces. I was being unfair; I knew Jamie didn’t think of me as a possession, I knew that’s not what he meant when he claimed that I was his as he was mine. But I couldn’t acknowledge it, not yet; something about it still rubbed me the wrong way and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.

Putting his hand on the nape of my neck he bent down to lightly kiss my forehead. “I’m sorry”.

With no fight left in me either all I could do was apologize for what I’d said. “I’m sorry too”. Jamie opened the door, looking back once as he walked down the steps. Exhausted and completely drained I just stood there in the middle of the hall, watching him leave. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not everything could be rainbows and sprinkles, specially since these two are still getting to know each other. Not to worry though, this is not the end of their happily ever after. I know specially Claire is not really handling things well at the moment, but don't give up hope on her just yet!


End file.
